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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Sex and marriage

    Related Topics
    Relationships Trying To Conceive
    My husband has discussed this a number of times and I keep planning to fix it, but I don't know how. Understandably he feels that if I really wanted to fix it, I would find a way. We have an 18-month-old and have been together almost 4 years. There hasn't really been any period where we had a lot of sex, but the main issue is me not initiating it. He fantasises about having an affair and about past relationships where desires were met. I don't feel hurt but I am not fulfilling my role, and I am scared as it is a big issue...even though he says it isn't as other parts of the relationship make up for it. I know our son is a huge part of that and why he wouldn't leave me, but that doesn't help our marriage. Knowing this, I still can't bring myself to initiate it. Some days I think I will, but then night time comes and I just want to relax. Trying to conceive a child is even challenging. I have so many reasons but nothing motivates me. I do LOVE him so much.
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It's not unusual for women with young children to lose libido - some reasons include exhaustion, suffering from 'touch fatigue' after being physically close to a child all day, the hormonal changes that accompny breast-feeding, to name but a few. Ester Perel has researched this difficult area and is someone who may be worth checking out for her view - try watching her Ted Talk - https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

    She suggests ideas such as doing things together that are exciting (inducing adrenalin), and that for women, waiting until you feel like having sex is often the recipe for no sex, arguing that women become aroused through foreplay and then sex itself rather than before the event (of course, this is as long as all other relationship issues are OK - feeling resentful or disonnected because of other reasons is likely to need to be resolved before intimacy can happen).

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    Dr Christopher Fox

    Sex Therapist

    I am a European Certified Psycho-Sexologist and a trained Counsellor/Therapist with over 20 years experience, holding Clinical/Level 4 membership of the Australian Counselling Association, one … View Profile

    Sexual desire/libido and relationships make for strange bedfellows!  With young children you are most probably having a lot skin-contact/time and also feeling tired. 

    Then of course, we need to consider when you and your husband are wanting/trying to have sex - as you go to bed?  But this is a place and time for sleeping.....Are there times when you both have  the space to allow yourselves to get in the mood, so to speak?

    I also ask my couples to think about why they want to have sex and why they have sex?  Often each partner wants and has sex for completely different reasons. 

    I also encourage couples to think about the initiation prcoess.  I am fond of saying that if you want sex think about what you did on Friday night three weeks ago.  Initiation does not start an hour before sex play starts, also it is not one eprsona sking another - initiation is a two-way process.  ONe begins and the other repsonds ; and then the other  repsonds, and the other responds.....get my drift?

    Finally I ask my couples to think about how they scaffold their relationship.  I comapre sex to a platform or a bridge between two people (or poles) - where is the scaffolding supporting the platform between the two people/poles.

    Scaffolding is small pieces which are joined together to create a super strong structure. How do ytou scaffold your relationship/your sex life?  What small activities (pieces of scaffold) do you do to build a strong structure to support your relationship/sex life?

    To have a harmonious and ahppy sex life takes a little work.  It is not about arousal only. IT also about how do you create the environment to enable sex to happen.  And what sort of sex do you want to happen?

    Communciate with each other - Listen to each other.  Make it about fun.

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