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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Why do I have sexual fantasies about new friends/acquaintances?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Mental Illness
    These fantasies happen often after meeting people that I feel attached to after a short time of knowing them, it is starting to make me feel depressed as I am becoming obsessed with them, which I feel I can not develop a proper friendship.
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    What a difficult situation to find yourself in - you are longing for connection and attachment to others, but perhaps this longing is so great that it becomes obsessive and takes on a sexual quality. It's really hard to know more about what this may be about for you beyond what is happening in the here-and-now, but my guess is that you may be dealing with the effects of difficulties you have had earlier in life. As a child, we are very reliant on our parents, or whoever is the main person caring for us, to be 'tuned in' to our needs; when this happens we can develop confidently, and have a trust that we are lovable and deserving of happiness. When this does not happen - where for some reason our parents were not able to keep us and our needs in mind - children may be left with some core needs unattended to, and this can create problems for connecting to others later in life. If you feel you may be in this situation, it will be important to work through this in counselling with someone who is skilled in working with what professionals call 'attachment issues'. There is nothing wrong with you! But you may need help to understand what has happened, in order to heal and move forward confidently into the relationships you long for and deserve. All the very best.

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    Helen Gregory

    HealthShare Member

    Thanks so much Vivienne, I often think that Iam crazy, I am a lesbian, am one of the oldest of 9 children, did not have many friends growing up and was left out of things a bit in school. I have suffered from depression/anxiety on and off for many years. I will be seeing a psychiatrist this week, so hopefully I can get this soughted out soon. Many thanks for answering my question.

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    David Hamilton

    Counsellor

    David is a qualified and experienced family therapist, counselling supervisor. He uses acceptance and commitment therapist(ACT) Gottman Method and other evidence based modalities. David has … View Profile

    I think this is becoming a problem for you mostly because you are beginning to feel depressed by what’s happening. I think firstly it is important to separate you from the problem i.e. you are not the problem ‘the problem is the problem’ and you are simply being affected by it. These thoughts that are affecting you are simply thoughts and there not harmful to anyone except you, and only if you keep judging and shaming yourself for having them. Imagine for a moment a miracle was to happen and the problem miraculously disappeared! How would you know it had gone, what would be different for you? I would imagine firstly that your self-judgments would cease and you would be able to be kinder to yourself and you may even be able to start believing that you are a good person that is ok? I do understand that letting go of unhelpful thoughts can be difficult and sometimes the more we try the more we seem to attract them, which in turn just causes more of a struggle that leads to stress, anxiety and yes even depression. May I suggest a technique called thought diffusion and mindfulness training, the skill will help you to be able to accept the unhelpful thoughts as simply just ‘stories of the mind’ and allow you to be more present in the moment to be able to focus your energy on what really matters to you rather than spending useless energy worrying about 'thoughts' which are really just nothing more that fleeting pieces of information your mind is creating. I often say to my clients do not believe every story that your mind tells you (lol). I have attached a link that may be helpful. Hope this helps David.  http://www.actmindfully.com.au/acceptance_&_commitment_therapy 

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  • Helen Gregory

    HealthShare Member

    Thanks David, I will give your suggestions a go.

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