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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Should I leave my husband of 8 years because I might not love him?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Relationships
    I have been married to my husband for almost eight years and I think I have fallen out of love with him. I actually question if I ever loved him. I don't like it when my husband touches me and I hate having sex with him, I make sure I avoid it at all costs and has easily been 3 months since the last time we had sex. He has even commented that he notices me cringe when he touches me. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety and am currently on anti depressants but I wonder if they are actually working. I was wondering if my mental health could be the reason I feel this way? If I saw someone could I love my husband and welcome his touch? or should I end our relationship? I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I want a family, I want the happy ending but I don't know if I have the right person and it scares me because I'm already 35 and am quickly getting too old for kids.
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  • 1

    Agree

    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    Wow, you're grappling with some big questions here. It sounds like you are torn whether to believe that love is something that should just come naturally, or whether you can believe that relationships can change for the better as the result of perseverance and thoughtful work. If you were to stick with the first belief, it is unlikely you would choose to work on things. If you were go to with the second one, you may wish to see a counsellor either on your own, and/or with your husband, to get some help in thinking about what's not working for you in the relationship and what changes may need to happen. Individual counselling may provide the space for you to think about what you want and need in a relationship, and whether this relationship is the one you want to do that work in. Couples counselling can assist you both to understand what it is you need from each other, and to equip you with skills and perspectives to communicate needs and respond to the other's needs effectively. Your doctor is the best person to advise you about the side-effects of your medication, or the symptoms of depression, and whether these are affecting your libido. If one of these are occurring, s/he can assist you with a medical solution (changing medication or dose to either more effectively address your depression or limit unwanted side-effects). All the best.

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  • 4

    Thanks

    Linda Meaker

    Community Psychologist, Counselling Psychologist, Health Psychologist, Psychologist

    Linda Meaker is psychologist who works with people of all ages but has a special interest in working with children and adolescents and their parents. View Profile

    Firstly, I commend you for reaching out for support. In response to your questions.

    1.  With regard to medication, I would encourage caution before deciding your medication is not working. Whilst medication can assist in helping you manage mood, it is not uncommon to experience some symptoms of anxiety/depression, particularly where the original sources of distress remain or indeed new ones have arisen. Ideally, medication is used in combination with psychological intervention for best effect.  Medication can however affect your libido.  If you have concerns, definitely consult your GP or a psychiatrist for a review of medication.

    2.  Can your mood affect your relationship? Yes it can. Mood disorders such as depression and anxiety result in changes to the way we think, perceive situations and therefore feel about them. We can adopt a negative filter which effectively filters out the positives. Having said that, you do not mention what resulted in your diagnosis in the first instance so I am mindful that there may be a complex interplay between your mood and your situation, with each affecting the other.

    3.  The issue of love. How do we define love?  Is it a feeling?  Or is it an action?  When we define love as a feeling we need to be mindful that, as with other feelings the feeling of love will come and go. When we define love as an action, we can choose to behave lovingly, even when the feeling may not be strong. For relationships to survive long term, viewing love as an action offers a much stronger foundation.

    Relationships also move through fairly predictable stages which impact on how we feel about our partner. From infatuation where there is an emphasis on finding similarities between each other and glossing over differences, we move into the power struggle.

    The power struggle is when a couple begins to deal with each others' differences and adjust to reality, which begins to set in as euphoria wears off. This can often become a time of disillusionment and conflict, and the real work begins.

    If our relationship survives the power struggle, we move into re-evaluation.  This stage starts with a fork in the road, where we begin to evaluate whether to remain in the relationship. The  re-evaluation tends to turn inward, and can create isolation and distance between partners. People may disengage emotionally and withdraw. There may be feelings of disappointment. Sexual intimacy may become sporadic or nonexistent.

    Re-evaluation is followed by transformation, and then reconciliation and acceptance.

    It may be that your relationship has entered the re-evaluation phase.  Whilst ultimately finding a new partner may be the decision you make, this new relationship will also move through the challenges noted above. I would encourage you to engage with a couples counselling professional to support your decision making, and recommend delaying big decisions whilst confusion remains high.

    Wishing you well.

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    I agree with so mcuh of what has been said above. In addition I would say that the question of being 'in love' is a complicated one. Many couples ask me this. I'm not in love anymore so should I end or leave the relationship. The concept of being in love is a romantic one that is encouraged by Hollywood stereotypes. Most long-term relationships move through developmental stages just like we do in life, birth, infancy, childhood, adolescent, mature adult, old age etc. Transitions in relationships are normal. These are not always easy. This does not mean that the relationship needs to end. Just understanding that the idea of being in love is romantic and appealing but that love is something you need to work at can really help as you transiton through different stages in your relatiosnhip. The best thing you can do is to seek a good couples therapist or individual therapist to help you develop more awarenss of waht is really going on for you. There are also some really good online relationship programmes.

    All the best!

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