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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Will my grieving process be harder because I didn't attend my husbands funeral?

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    Bereavement Mental Health
    My query is in regard to attachment styles, and how an adult's attachment style can negatively impact on their capacity to recover after the death of their spouse/partner. My partner died nearly three years ago, and it was not possible for me to be with him when he died. Furthermore, my situation was such that I was not granted the usual right of passage in regard to funeral attendance, etc. In a nutshell, my grief was disenfranchised. Essentially, I would like to know if it takes longer to work through the grief process depending on one's attachment style.
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    Thanks

    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    Knowing your attachment style may be helpful in understanding HOW you grieve - if you are someone who becomes anxious and needing to connect when your attachment relationship is lost, you may be more likely to want to reach out for others to talk to, or help you manage your distress. If, on the other hand, you deal with loss by pushing others away and shutting down, you are more likely to choose to process your grief in your own space. Both styles of grieving are perfectly legitimate; there is not a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do it.
    No matter what your way of grieving is (or what attachment style you have), the grieving process can become stuck -  one of the reasons this can happen is where grieving has been disenfranchised, as in your case. It may be beneficial to seek out counselling to help you move through your grief and complete the tasks of mourning that will enable you to move forward.
    All the best.

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