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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How can I deal with my anger Issues effectively?

    Related Topics
    Anger Management Mental Health Parenting
    I am 17 years old and my parents are firmly standing by the fact that I have anger management issues. At first I was denying their claim, but I see that there's no point in resisting any more just to prove something. Lately it's been about little things that I seem to blow out of proportion which get me into trouble. I tried staying out of everyone's way and not talk to them. Yet that isn't working and I don't know how to ease or stop this cycle.

    Sometimes I get unnecessarily angry because no-one is really listening to what I have to say at times, and I say that no-one understands; because they don't really pay attention. But that's not an excuse because I know that my parents have their own stresses to deal with, and I know I don't want to be a problem, but them saying that I have these immense issues and not giving me a path to the solution makes it just that much harder to come to terms with it. Recently my anger comes from a state of subconscious behaviour, which I want to control.
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you are trying very hard to understand your anger better, and to reflect on what is driving it. It's OK to feel angry! We all can feel angry when we don't feel listened to, or when we are not getting our needs met in some way. Anger management is about accepting our anger, and learning more skilful ways to express our needs in a way that respects our own feelings and needs, but also the feelings and needs of others. Learning how to do this requires help! A trained counsellor can help you understand and manage your anger better, assess whether there is more to the anger (sometimes anger is a sign of depression and this would need a different approach) and help you make more sense of what is underneath. 

    All the best, Vivienne.

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    Ewelina

    HealthShare Member

    Thank you for replying! 
    I have thought about self control and also seeing a counsellor, but I'm trying to find a solution from myself, but that can be difficult sometimes - especially when other events prove to be stressful for me - I seem to nnaturally irritate others around me, especially my parents since they are my family. 
    I've been focusing on counting to ten and breathing but it's not as effective as I thought it would be. 
    Any ideas? 

    :)

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    Mary-Anne Wallace

    Counselling Psychologist, Psychologist

    Working with individuals and couples including FIFOI possess a Masters degree and am registered with the Psychology Board of Australia with endorsement in the area … View Profile

    Understanding what is underneath your anger will help you gain control and feel better. Often anger is the result of other feelings that we are struggling with. You touched on this when you mentioned that you feel you are not listened to or understood. Sometime we react angrily out of frustration and sadness. It will help to speak to a counsellor in order to explore this further and perhaps learn some assertiveness techniques so that you can speak out and ask others for the support you need from them. Your parents might be busy but it sounds like you would benefit from some time spent talking to them.

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    Robert McInnes

    Counsellor

    My speciality is Anger Management for individuals and couples. The program I developed is held over 4 one hour sessions and substantially reduces anger over … View Profile

    The advise of the other two therapists is to see a counsellors about underlying issues is wise advise.

    Nearly all the couples I counsel say that they argue over something small. This is because the subconscious mind stores unresolved issues, such as lack of respect  “they don't listen to me” in a file and that file builds up over time.  When you get an trigger about a lack of respect issue, then the whole file gets activated and all the emotion comes out. Your subconscious mind works in emotional order, not time order. It doesn't recognise events as “old” only that they are still present.

    However, if you want to try something better that counting to 10 try the Stop, Find method.
    This method works for 80% of my clients who have anger issues.

    The method is:
    1 Say the words “stop, find calm” 100 times a day in your head, not out aloud.
    2. Take no responsbility for being calm. That is, don't try and relax or think about it. Say the words as though they are Japanese words and mean nothing to you.
    3. Say this repeatedly for 7 days. However, after two days you will feel calmer. Then when you feel anger say the words “stop, find calm” and your anger will drop.
    4. After doing this for a month your sub-conscious mind will automatically feel calm when you get angry

    The reason this works is that the subconscious mind processes information at 40 million/bits/second and the conscious mind at 40 bits per second. If you interupt the process of finding calm with logic or positive thinking, then you are destroying the process.

    Rumination, which is going over something negative in your head is the worst thing you can do, becuase your subconscious brain doesn't use logic, it is a patterning system which finds things very quickly. If you ruminate, then you add more negative emotions to your “lack of respect” file.

    Good luck.

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  • Ewelina

    HealthShare Member

    Thank you so much for your advice. 
    I will deffinitely try that. 
    We'll see how I go. 

    :)

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    Mary-Anne Wallace

    Counselling Psychologist, Psychologist

    Working with individuals and couples including FIFOI possess a Masters degree and am registered with the Psychology Board of Australia with endorsement in the area … View Profile

    If you don't want to see a counsellor then perhaps you could have a look online for an anger workbook. You could work through it learning more about your anger and tips to help control it. There might be other online resources or information you could use.

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