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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    My boyfriend says I've changed. How do I go back to the person I used to be?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 year and for the past few months all he's been talking about is how I have changed.

    At the beginning of our relationship I was very reserved, I never used to fight with about anything but now we fight and our fights are very bad.

    He asked me to be the lady he met and fell in love with but the problem is I don't know how to go about it or let alone where to start.

    He says I should stop giving him attitude whenever he talks to me, I should stop being stubborn and I should show some respect towards him.
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    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    Relationships are dynamic and often go through stages, including the initial honey-moon, idealising stage, getting to know each other more deeply and adjustment stage, etc. At the start of a relationship most people are in their best behaviour and engage in ‘romancing’ their partner as the relationship is at a tenuous point where it can easily be terminated. After two years your relationship may have settled into a pattern where you are both behaving in a less ‘careful’ or ‘caring’ way. Learning to negotiate differences, to argue respectfully, to communicate assertively and in a caring manner, and to nurture and accept one another are important relationship skills that help relationships develop and thrive. Perhaps you and your partner could consult a relationship counselor to assist you to achieve these goals. Once engaged in the process you are likely to gain insights that will assist you to make mindful choices about your internal relationship with yourself and your relationship with your partner. Best of luck!   

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    Anonymous

    Thank you Mariella. I think learning to argue respectfully and communicate in a caring manner is what i need to do. I try to be respectful whenever he yells at me by being silent since it is according to our culture to be silent when you are being scolded but he does not seem to believe in that. He wants me to talk back at him and when I do I somehow end up saying awful things which aggravate his anger even more and he ends up calling me stubborn. It is very rare for me to express mi feelings successfully to him, even when I try to show him that I am not content about something, things have a way of turning upside down and I end up being at fault..

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    I agree with Mariela's thoughts. After the initial ‘honeymoon’ stage of a relationship is when the real work often begins - it's like looking after anything, if we don't do ongoing maintenance and repairs our relationship will start to suffer. Many of us lack the skills to know how to work respectfully and constructively through conflict, or know how to get our needs met in a way that feels OK for our partner. Without learning the necessary relationship skills, we can end up in negative cycles where both partners feel attacked and misunderstood by the other. Relationship counsellng can help you recognize and understand what gets in the way of creating the quality of connectedness you both want, and equip you with the skills to communicate well, work through conflict, and re-ignite the sense of building a life together that you no doubt had at the beginning when you first got together. All the best.

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  • tumi

    HealthShare Member

    Thank you for the wise words Vivienne. Indeed it is maintenance and repairs that we have to do because my relationship is suffering already. I will try by all means to implement working respectfully through a conflict. T hank you.

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