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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How can I be happy and single?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I feel like I need to be happy alone before I will ever find someone who will love me.

    The problem is that I'm constantly thinking about the connection, intimacy and company that comes with being in a relationship.

    How can I curb the loneliness and enjoy my life without a partner?
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you're aware that in order to be successful in an intimate relationship, you first need to be in good relationship with yourself. It's important though, to balance strengthening our internal relationships with connecting to others. Cultivating friendships and positive connection with others in a range of ways is always an important part of maintaining emotional wellbeing - a single relationship, no matter how wonderful, will never be able to meet all of our relational needs.
    I would suggest you need to have two sets of strategies - firstly to nurture and strengthen your relationship with yourself. This may include paying attention to self-care, but also to the way your internal voices interact with each other. So many of us are not careful in the way we talk to ourselves, and may give ourselves a hard time in a way we wouldn't dream of treating others. This work is like the reverse of the golden rule - treat yourself as though you were the dream partner you long to have! Be interested and curious about yourself, put energy into really getting to know yourself better - it'll be worth the effort!
    The second set of strategies involves getting connected - join groups, get yourself out there to connect and interact with others every way you can. Make sure that your goal is not to meet ‘the one’ (although of course it's possible this may happen as a by-product!), but simply to connect and enjoy the experience of encountering a range of people who will touch your life in incidental or more meaningful ways. 
    All the best, Vivienne

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    Charlotte Stansfield

    Counsellor

    Often enough, we do not know our own mind. In the process of dialogue with another person, we are able to clarify what we think … View Profile

    Hi, its a good question and something lots of us can relate to.
    Loneliness has a certain kind of stigma doesn't it? We so rarely talk about it, and spend a lot of time trying to distance from it, and distract ourselves from the feelings of loneliness.  Sometimes in order to distract from the feelings of loneliness we find ourselves preoccupied with thoughts of finding a relationship. All very normal and understandable - we live in such a couple centric world.

    However, as you have rightly said, it's helpful for any forthcoming relationships for us to have developed intimacy and connection with ourselves.
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    So it is a good idea to spend time working out what is important to you - what do you want to stand for in this life - what sorts of values do you have and how do you want to go about living them with or without a partner?. If being loving and caring, honest and real (often facets of intimacy) are important values then how can you cultivate these things outside of a primary relationship? 

    Sometimes when we're single we view our lives as if we're lacking something and that doesn't help us to feel good and enjoy life without a partner. It can be helpful to see life as comprised as all sorts of elements work, play, spirituality, leisure and recreation, friendships, community - a primary relationship of course fits in there but its only part of the picture.

    Also any journey to improve intimacy and connectedness with ourself can be helped with practices such as yoga, meditation and of course counselling/psychotherapy can help here too.

    Good luck and thanks for raising the question ‘How to be alone’ - most of us will have to address this at some point in our lives!

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    Pamela Hoy

    Counsellor, Hypnotherapist

    Offering both Hypnotherapy and Counselling for my clients is a double opportunity to change unwanted feelings, thoughts, behaviours and reactions. Accessing both the conscious and … View Profile

    I think both Vivienne and Charlotte have great information and suggestions.  Bear in mind that just because people may be in a relationship does not guarantee happy companionship.  Infact an unhealthy, negative relationship may cause more frustration and lonliness for the person rather than being on their own. To like and/or love yourself is the first step to being able to like and/or love another person. Perhaps you could begin a course or workshop designed to improve your self confidence. Or  consider  a new activity that interests you, where you can meet like minded people. To endeavour to be as self reliant for your own happiness as a skill that can be learnt,  and when a person is happy and self confident with who they are, they draw the same type of person to them.  Regards Pam.  

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  • Beverley Aronstan

    Psychologist

    I am a registered psychologist with many years of counselling experience in the field of relationships and fertility issues. In particular my focus is on … View Profile

    I agree that one needs a good relationship with yourself in order to be confident in your intimate relationships. As a relationships therapist of over 10 years i have observed that a partnership built on trust and love can help an individual grow and have confidence to venture into the world as a safe place. Through the love and support of their partner and by reciprocating this love an individual can benefit enormously in growing a more self confident and motivated person A good relationship can promote friendships with others, a safe base from which one can explore the world knowing their is love and acceptance when they come home.

    However when a couple turn away from each other the environment might become acrimonious which then can cause a partner to want to be by themselves. There is nothing wrong with being single and happy as you do not need a partner to complete you as a relationship should be based on mutual affection and respect for each others individual needs and desires. I agree that as a single person you are better than settling for a relationship that is not working.

    Whether in a relationship or not it is you that you should love and respect enough to be able to know what a good relationship feels like for you.

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