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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Am I to blame for my relationship failure?

    Related Topics
    Anger Management Mental Health Relationships
    My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year.

    When we started, things were great. But mid-way through my relationship after we had sex (I was a virgin then) and he began to move in with me, things just turned for the worst.

    He would often refuse to do housework, occasionally putting it off for a week. He would tell me not to cook because it made me ‘grumpy’ (only because he complained about my food - “this tastes funny”). I actually quite enjoy cooking and am not bad at it. So then he said that we should just eat out or order in whenever I was ‘looking grumpy’. This was often and one day he just said that he's frustrated with me because he feels I always make him pay for food.

    I was shocked by this remark because I still pay for groceries and the bills since he lives with me!

    I got mad and tried to kick him out.

    In the process, he shoved me a few times before he stormed off.

    He would avoid replying my text and calls and disappeared for a few days.

    Should I feel guilty?
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    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    It takes two people to make a relationship work. The initial phase of most relationships tends to be exciting and new. Relationship counselors often refer to this phase as the ‘honeymoon’ phase as it tends to be full of passion and optimism. However, it takes a while to truly get to know another person. It can take two years or more to get to know someone deeply, and to work out whether you are compatible and you can make each other happy in the longer term. Whilst getting angry with your partner for acting in an inconsiderate manner is healthy and normal, learning to communicate assertively and respectfully will make your relationships more satisfying. It is sad that you both ended in such a terrible note. Whatever you did, it does not justify physical aggression. However I'm wondering whether you need to give yourself time in order to figure out if this relationship is what you truly want and need. After all, learning to let go of unsatisfying and unhealthy relationships is an important life lesson. 

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    David Lawson

    Counsellor

    We all have times when we need to talk with a person who really listens to us, someone outside our family or social circle - … View Profile

    A relationship is like playing a game of tennis. Unless both of you are playing by the rules then it is not a game of tennis. Sounds like you were both playing a game but it was not the same game. Guilt can be a huge feeling - it can be a good thing or a negative thing. If your guilt helps you to become a better person then it is a good thing. But if it just makes you feel worse and worse then it is negative. Bottom-line you both were playing tennis but not the way the other thought it should be played.

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    Dr Jennifer Barnes

    Psychologist

    I am a psychologist in private practice.I also lecture and supervise psychologists/psychology students at University.I work with clients who suffer from depression and anxiety. I … View Profile

    I understand that it was your first intimate relationship and that you were in love with him. It must have been very disappointing and confusing for you when he behaved in such an angry and dismissive way towards you. From your description, it seems that you are still a couple. Is that right?  It is early days in your relationship and this is the time when things are usually romantic and rosey between a couple. It concerns me that things have become so difficult so early in the piece. I like the analogy of the tennis game. It does seem that communication between the two of you has become very difficult. It really does take two to tango and from your description things are quite bad between you. It is not productive to blame one person in a relationship for the conflict. That takes two. However, I can suggest that you do not sound happy or content with your partner and I think that your feelings are important.  There are other fish in the sea. There could be someone out there that is more comparable for you, and for him. Sometimes it is not about blame or fault but it is about comparable interpersonal styles.

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    Should you feel guuilty? Guilt is a waste of emotion unless it causes you to change your behaviour. When a person feels guilty it is worth asking, “is this helpful, can I learn something, what could I do differently next time?” Ask yourself, what did I do wrong? Did I overreact? Did I kick him out because I know the relationship is unhealthy for both of us? 

    Physical violence is never justified. Managing conflict is part of a healthy relationship. You may like to get some help in developing skills here.

    It may help you to use “I” statements such as “I would like you to share responsibility for payment of the food and cooking”. If you ask him to refrain from criticism this may make your relationship more positive. Both of you could try to see the good in each other and to let the little things go. Letting go of an unhealthy relationship is also important so you need to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want.

    Perhaps when you “look grumpy” he is stressed or fearful of your displeasure. You may like to tell him that your moods are your responsibility but that you have the right to feel what you feel. Ask him what worries him about “you looking grumpy”. Relationships work well when there is a team and you are both on the same side. Seeking to understand each other's point of view will help here.

    It would help you to see a Counsellor to talk through these issues. All the best.

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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like perhaps your boyfriend is not happy in the relationship, and may be having difficulty in expressing directly what it is he is feeling, and why he is feeling that way - so it is coming out in ways that seem unreasonable and make no sense. As others have said, of course this does not excuse physical aggression. However, it may be important for you both to talk through whether the relationship is meeting your needs, and if not, what you both need to be different. Counselling can help by providing a space where you can be supported to work through the issues in a productive way. All the best.

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    Beverley Aronstan

    Psychologist

    I am a registered psychologist with many years of counselling experience in the field of relationships and fertility issues. In particular my focus is on … View Profile

    Violence in a relationship is never okay. As this was your first intimate connection it is especially disappointing for you. I am wondering if you are blaming yourself when it is always a 2 way street in relationships. your grumpiness could have come across as disatisfactionto him but perhaps an I message of  I am trying hard to cook for you and yet I feel insulted when you dont lke my cooking and my grumpiness is a result.

    Sometimes the feelings one wants to convey come across as misread to the other. However if he was supposed to do his share of house work that is an agreement that should be upheld.

    It sounds like you expected and deserved more from a relationship and clear communication of expectations about how things would work were not expressed or not heard.
    A few sessions of couples counselling could really help set a relationship on track.

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