Please verify your email address to receive email notifications.

Enter your email address

We have sent you a verification email. Please check your inbox and spam folder.

Unable to send verification, please refresh and try again later.

  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Why is my partner no longer interested in sex with me?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    We have been together for four years.

    My girlfriend has had a very colourful sex life.

    It started great with us but seems that now she's settled, she no longer finds the urge to be intimate.

    Oral disgusts her and I find myself begging for sex.

    Her doctor suggested she's pre menopausal at 43 however on the occasions we do have sex she has no problems climaxing.

    Her colourful past makes me feel inadequate and I often ask why the free sex with all her previous men and not me.

    Is her lack of sexual appetite psychological, physical or emotional that she no longer loves me although she says she does and doesn't show it?

    Please help!
    answer this question

  • Find a professional to answer your question

  • 1

    Agree

    2

    Thanks

    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    I wonder whether your girlfriend's issues go beyond what is happening in your sex life currently. It sounds to me as though intimacy and connection may be the greater problem. I get the sense that she is not secure in relationships and that sex has been a ‘tool’ in the past rather than an activity that increases feelings of warmth and closeness. It may be that important people have hurt her before and that warmth and intimacy intimidate her. Her feelings of disgust about oral sex, and the history of promiscuous sex could signal sexual abuse in the earlier part of her life.

    My advise to you is to work on developing communication and connection. I know that you are frustrated and feeling abandoned because of her reluctance to have sex with you, however, it is likely that the more you insist on ‘fixing’ the sexual difficulties, the more distant she becomes. Relationship counselling focused on deepening understanding, compassion, communication and connection may be beneficial overall to help you both achieve greater fulfilment in the relationship. 

    Reply to this post
     · 
    Report
    Reply to this post

    You must be a Health Professional to reply to this post. to your account or now (it's free).

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for the answer. That's an angle I did not consider. She is a very private person and her past was found out from other people and not her. She was physically abused by her ex and was left emotionally scarred. When I came along (not long after) she was going through the AVO procedures to stop this guy following her and us once he found out we were together. Despite all this, sex was great and oral was never a problem although she said she had “never ever done oral with anyone” before. I felt special and loved for her to do that to me only. Now that sex has stopped altogether after four years I find myself scratching my head looking for answers. I have had to pay for sex in order to refrain from pressuring her. I suffer from chronic depression and this abandonment has not helped me and have plunged deeper in to a hole. 
    I have communicated my feelings, have sought professional help, she takes vitamins and is exercising to keep fit and healthy. However when it come to sex after we have planned a romantic evening leading up, she backs out with some excuse like a sore back, headache, too late etc. This to me feels like she's no longer in love although she says she is. Maybe she has settled in to a home she's never had and feels financially secure now so there's no need to put out as my woman should when in love.
    I don't know what else to do. I've even broken up with her twice and then we seem to be having  sex again until it stops a week later. 
    I don't know anymore!

    Reply to this post
     · 
    Report
    Reply to this post

    You must be a Health Professional to reply to this post. to your account or now (it's free).

  • 2

    Thanks

    Mariela Occelli

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Mariela Occelli is a Clinical Psychologist with well over 20 years experience in the assessment and treatment of clinical disorders. She has worked in private … View Profile

    I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. You mention that you have your own issues. Perhaps it's time you pursue counselling for yourself also to address your own trauma. It might also be worthwhile to pursue relationship counselling to deepen your understanding and support of oneanother. Best of luck!

    Reply to this post
     · 
    Report
    Reply to this post

    You must be a Health Professional to reply to this post. to your account or now (it's free).

answer this question

You must be a Health Professional to answer this question. Log in or Sign up .

You may also like these related questions

Related Fact Sheets
Related Questions
Community Contributor

Empowering Australians to make better health choices