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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How can I connect with my partner after an online affair?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Parenting
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We're always very in love and passionate about each other.

    Although my pregnancy wasn't planned, we were very happy and moved in together. When our daughter was 1 month I found out that my boyfriend was having naughty chats with his student.

    I moved out, but after 15 days I decided to came back home and forgive him. Less than a month later he moved to another city because of a great job offer. The plans are that me and our baby move there by next year.

    I'm feeling very sad and an anxious because there's a lot going on in my head. I miss my “life before baby”, I miss my perfect relationship with my boyfriend but I'm really confused about my feelings towards him.

    I need to find a way to trust him and emotionally connect with him again.

    Besides all that, I love my city and I not exited at all to move, but I need to do that in order to make our family work.

    My boyfriend is a very nice guy and he says he's sorry and that it was nothing to him.
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    Beverley Aronstan

    Psychologist

    I am a registered psychologist with many years of counselling experience in the field of relationships and fertility issues. In particular my focus is on … View Profile

    With an affair or indiscretion there is always a sense of betrayal and a loss of innoncence of what the relationship should look like. You will recognise this with a sense of sadness and a loss of the certainty in the relationship that you had previously.
    However couples do recover after affairs and you now have a baby to consider.

    The important thing is for your partner to be sorry and to undertake not to do it again. It might be useful to go for a couples session to a therapist to understand why he felt the need to chat to girls online Perhaps with a new baby he felt left out.

    If he can allow you to ask him questions and answer you then it is probable that he is sorry.
    As far as moving with a young baby that is hard but the answer is to try and join a mothers group to meet other mothers to share and feel connected to. In fact although you will feel lonely and somewhat isolated initially it is a good opportunity to connect with your partner and pull together as a couple starting with a new venture.

    There is a book 'not just friends“ by Shirley Glass that is useful to read. Also John Gottman ”and baby makes three"

    Good luck and enjoy your beautiful new baby.

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    I agree with Beverley - you may benefit from attending couples counselling to work through any unresolved business about how the affair has affected your relationship.
    It will be important for you both to understand why the affair happened - what was going on for your partner, were there any issues in your relationship that were not being addressed. You may also need to talk together about if you go through challenging times again in future, how will you deal with these (e.g. we agree to talk things through honestly and respectfully even when it's not easy; we agree that no matter what is going on between us we will not betray each other's trust by becoming sexually and/or emotionally involved with someone else). Building a secure and strong relationship together relies on having clear agreements about how you will communicate about problems, resolve differences as well as plan and build your life together as a family.
    Both Shirley Glass's  and John Gottman's books mentioned by Beveley are good resources to guide your thinking about this. You may also be interested in a self-help resource called “Getting Past The Affair” by Douglas Snyder and Donald Baucom.

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    Grace Gonzalez

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    I am a counsellor with over two decades of experience working with non-for-profit organisations, private organizations, secondary education, community health services, and private practice in … View Profile

    Hi
    A lot has happened for you in a very short time. In two years you have fallen in love, experienced love and passion, gone through a pregnancy, had a baby, and dealt with the reality that the perfection you knew is not there anymore.  In addition, you now have to make a huge decision of uprooting your life and re settle in a new city. It is not surprise you feel overwhelmed, and that sense of anxiety and sadness is expected. 
    There are probably two approaches or goals that might need to be considered. On one hand the living arrangements and other practical needs to be met, especially since there is a baby involved and his/her wellbeing is paramount. Then there are the deeper issues about how your view of relationships and life in generally are going through a transition right now and this can cause a lot of stress as our world view is the essence of who we are.
    I suggest for one to check with your local maternity health nurse for the practical aspects of the issues, and also her views on the second aspect of your issues. I am not sure which state you are. In Victoria there are Maternity Health Nurses new mothers meet regularly see during the first months after birth. Also check with yours and/or the baby’s doctor for ideas. Maybe you can show this blog to them to initiate some discussion about this issue.
    Look after yourself and good luck!
    Grace

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    Hi there! I want to thank you all for your help and support! It meant a lot to me! 

    It took me about a year to overcame what happened, and now everything is ok! It turned out that my boyfriend was fired after 9 months and he came back to our city. Our relationship is great now. I'm much more realistic and I understand that in long term relationships things like this can happen. During this year we talked a lot and he was very compreessive and waited patiently for my healing process. Our dougther is now 18 months old and she is adorable! I forgot to say that I from Brazil! So I want to thank you all for helping me from the other side of the world!

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    Grace Gonzalez

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    I am a counsellor with over two decades of experience working with non-for-profit organisations, private organizations, secondary education, community health services, and private practice in … View Profile

    You are very welcome!
    That is fantastic news! congratulations to both of you and all the best for you and your family :)

    Grace

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