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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Do I have depression or am I in a state of deep mourning?

    Related Topics
    Bereavement Depression Mental Health
    My partner died eighteen months ago and I was excluded from being by his bedside when he was close to death, and excluded from the funeral service. My grief is disenfranchised as he was married. My present mental state is akin to being ‘on auto pilot’, i.e. I have the capacity to function (at my workplace and socially, incl. hobbies.) The joy I once had has disappeared. My initial symptoms were shock, feeling abandoned, overwhelmed and becoming easily upset, anxiety, poor sleep and feelings of great sorrow. Fast forward to the present and my symptoms are improved sleep, periods of anger, periods of despondency, and feelings of emptiness and perpetual sadness. I now believe that I will carry the sorrow for the rest of my life, but I am determined to not allow it to become an encumbrance. Whenever I consciously remember shared times (to the point where I can hear his voice) I am easily upset. Grief recovery is such hard work. Is this depression? I am taking anti-depressants.
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    Dr Toni Lindsay

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Dr Toni Lindsay is a clinical psychologist whose expertise is working with children, adolescents and adults living with chronic health conditions such as cancer, diabetes, … View Profile

    Hi There,

    Grief is a really difficult beast. The things which you are describing sound completley expected in the context of your recent bereavement. Teasing out what is grief, and what might be depression is always difficult, although it sounds like you have improved recently which is a sign that perhaps the symptoms that you are experiencing are the next stage of the grieving process.

    If you are concerned about how you are travelling, or if you feel like the symptoms are becoming less easy to manage, rather than improving perhaps it is worth seeking some support in managing where you are at the moment. Bereavement can be made more complex when the situations surrounding the persons death are not ideal, such as you described, can mean that you have not been given the opportunity to attend to rituals which help in managing the grief.

    However, you seem to be on the right track, as the grief will probably never disappear completley, but if you are able to incorporate that grief into your everyday and expect it to be there, it will probably be easier to manage.

    Toni :)

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    Anonymous

    Thank you Toni for your comments.  Grief teaches.  I am learning to practice loving kindness and compassion towards myself by being gentle with myself during the times that I am low.  I forgot to mention that one of the symptoms I am experiencing is chronice tiredness, even after a good night's sleep.  I am seeing a psychologist.  This is my second one, as my previous psychologist unilaterally ceased therapy, partly due to my lack of progress, and partly due to my increased level of dependence on him.  My new therapist is assisting me in working through my grief, as well as the emotional fallout experienced from the loss of my first therapist.

    Yes, it is likely that my sorrow will always be a part of  the ‘new normal’ chapter of my life's story, and this revelation sits comfortably with me.   I would welcome any furtther comment you, or your peers, would like to make. Thanks again and best wishes.

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you are aware that you are grieving, and that it is to be expected. It is a measure of the strong feelings you had for your partner that you are experiencing such deep sadness now. Chronic tiredness can be another expression of this grief. It also sounds like you are aware of the need to accept and be with your grief, that when you do this you will be in better relationship with yourself and your feelings, rather than judging or beating yourself up for feeling the way that you do. It's good that you have found the support that you need in order to work through your grief. Often coming to terms with a major loss is working out how to move foward while still honouring the importance of the person you have lost and their importance to you - it sounds like you are on your way with this. All the best.

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    Julie Hall

    Counsellor

    I have been a fully Qualified Counsellor for over 21 years in Private Practice working with many health organisations and Companies. I am an integrative … View Profile

    It can be constructive to look upon the grieving process as a 'bereavement journey' from the early days that are chracaterised by shock, denial and numbness right through to the final stage of the journey of 'acceptance', and everything that goes on inbetween. 

    Sometimes when the grieving process itself has not been worked through another death or loss often many years later can propel a person back into an intense grieving period. So as one can see the grieving process can be very complicated.

    There is also the trauma of how a person may die and the circumstance surrounding this. From what you have indicated you did not get chance to fully say goodbye so therefore you have not had closure.

    Sometimes writing a therapeutic letter - a goodbye letter to a loved one, or a ceremony in which you can device symbolically a way of remembering your loved one for example - letting a baloon go in a special memorable place with a love note etc.... can be very cathartic. 

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