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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How can I make peace with my family?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    My sons girlfriend has hated me since the birth of my granddaughter. My son went through a time where he was on drugs and now i am sad because i cannot see him or my granddaughter as they have moved to Queensland. He only rings me if his girlfriend is not around. She is playing my own parents against me by allowing them to see their great granddaughter - they have pictures everywhere in their house. I feel intimidated but i have tried making peace with his girlfriend but she will not as she claims I have hurt her for over 4 yrs but i have not gone anywhere near her. She said it was my fault not talking to my grand daughter when she was living close but i did not want to make her uncomfortable. His girlfriend hates me and i feel like i am being excluded from the family and i have done nothing. My grand daughter is now having problems with a personality disorder she is only 5 and is going to see a Councillor. What can I do to be more involved?
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  • Dr Jennifer Barnes

    Psychologist

    I am a psychologist in private practice.I also lecture and supervise psychologists/psychology students at University.I work with clients who suffer from depression and anxiety. I … View Profile

    You are in a very difficult situation. I think that personal counselling  may help you clarify what the issues are and then explore a plan of action. I can only respond to the small amount of information presented here, so excuse me if I suggest things that you have already tried. I can see two possible ways in here. One is through your parents, and the other is through your son. These people can tell you what problem your daughter in law has with you, from HER perspective. They may also have some ideas about how you can heal the rift. Your parents may also allow you to be at their house when your son and grandchild visit. On that note, your grandchild is too young to be diagnosed with a personality disorder . You may need more information before you can be sure whether there is something for you to be concerned about on a kong term basis. I hope I have given you some help. 

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  • Lauren Terry

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    Lauren is a Melbourne based therapist who specialises in relationship counselling for couples, individuals, and in workplace relations. Lauren also provides Person-centred Counselling, including Dream … View Profile

    When one person wants to communicate and the other does not, there are still things that can be done. The way is by taking responsibility for working towards a resolution yourself. This is not the same as blaming yourself for all the issues between yourself and the girlfriend. It is just a way of creating an opening when everything seems closed off.
    A good start would be to work with the following questions:
    What have I done in the past that has contributed to the barrier between myself and the girlfriend?
    Does she really ‘hate’ me? This is a painful way for you to think that makes more of a barrier. Instead, we want to move the focus off the negative, and allow you to see the girlfriend in a different light.

    • How does my relationship with the girlfriend cause problems between her and my son?
    • Can I list, and think about some times when I could have made better contact with her?
    • How was she coping with new motherhood - was it difficult for her?
    • How do I feel about her? Can I shift those feelings into something more positive? Can I allow her into my heart at all?
    Think about approaching your son and his family in an open-hearted way. This sounds too simple to be true, but it is very complex to explore inner feelings and is best done with a professional counsellor who can:
    • Work with you through a professional counselling approach which can range from very gentle to quite quick and dynamic, depending on the best way to progress for you - this would be worked out between you and the counsellor and is called ‘Person Centred Counselling’
    • Provide tools and techniques for self exploration that you choose from a wide ‘toolkit’
    • Be there if difficult feeling arise in you
    • Support you in developing and becoming comfortable with (integrating) new and more positive feelings, including about the girlfriend.
    A Counsellor can then work with you to develop ways of approaching your son and his family in this more positive  and open-hearted way. A first approach could be a birthday or Christmas card that reflects your new approach - people do pick up on quite subtle things. Then gradually build from there.

    Lauren Terry
    The Holding Place - Relationship and Personal Counselling

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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    I am sorry to hear how hurtful it feels to feel excluded from the family. What you have described is a complex and very painful situation. I agree with the above professionals who have offered you plenty to think about. Small changes can make a big difference especially the ability to develop some understanding of your son's girlfriend's perspective. This may seem very hard to do and that is why it will be helpful for you to get some professional counselling on the matter. That way you can become curious about what small changes you can make that could make a difference. It may help you to try and think it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, what matters is looking after the relationship. I'm sure you feel quite wronged by feeling so excluded and this is very understandable. However, we cannot change other people and it is futile to try and do so. The point of change lies with you and although it may seem like quite a lot of hard work to do in counselling it may just provide you with the assistance you need. Good luck!

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