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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Everyone can 'read' me, how can I learn to protect myself from this?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I have always been the heart of my sleeve kind of person, but lately everyone can see straight through me. I can't seem to hide a single thing from anyone. Are the any tips or skills I could work on to lessen this please? It is being used to my abuse by those around me. Even through text messages I can't seem to hide emotion. Please help!
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  • Grant Dempsey

    Counsellor

    With a passion to see people move forward and break free from the barriers holding them back, Grant is a highly experienced counsellor with over … View Profile

    It sounds like your are struggling to contain some of your emotions and this is becoming a problem for you. Generally this suggests that there are deeper feelings sitting within you and they are trying to get out so even small actions by others can trigger a large ‘out-of-context’ response by you. There are many Cognitive Behavioural strategies you can adopt to manage your actions eg the traffic light - RED = Stop, AMBER = Think  GREEN = Go but while these are useful they are like putting a bandaid on a bleeding would, they will slow the blood but not stop it. You don't want to ‘harden’ up or emotionally cut off either

    What's probably happening is someone says or does something and you have an initial emotional response eg anger, offence - however, at a deeper emotional level there are likely to be other emotions going on - fear, anxiousness, insulted, ignore, belittled . . . .  - the problem is that how you react when you are angry may be very different to how you would think and feel if you initially felt ‘ignored’.

    Example - I had a client whose father frequently called him lazy and put him down for his laziness. As a result my client is one of the hardest working people you will meet - call him many things but ‘Lazy’ is not one of them. When someone does call him lazy he over-reacts bigtime - a client of his had some incorrect information and confronted him about not doing the job proplerly and said he was lazy - my client's response was not helpful for clarifying the issue or helping his business. You see what happens is when he is called Lazy his initial feeling is anger but what is really going on is his mind is taken back to his childhood where his father is berating him for being lazy when he had worked his butt off all day so he is feeling - put down, attacked & humiliated and he responds accordingly, which of course is inappropriate most of the time. 

    We need to be aware of our ‘sensitivities’ (vulnerabilities), rather than ignore or avoid them so what you need to do is;

    STOP don't say anything you need identify the ‘feelings’ you have and the thoughts that go with them
    THINK - do these feelings and thoughts genuinely reflect this situation? Is the person really insulting me or are they just mucking around? What is really going on here - are they attacking me, winding me up or just trying to get more information? Ask questions to clarify (this also gives you more time to process what is going on for you) eg, I'm not sure what you mean, are you saying I'm . . .
    - develop an appropriate response - a good strategegy is to use this template

    1. When you  eg say I'm . . .  OR  look through my phone . . 
    2. I think   . . .. . you are criticising me  OR   checking up on me     AND
    3. I feel  …. put down …. humiliated ……   OR   insecure violated etc
    GO - once you have clarified your thoughts/feelings and the other persons intention respond accordingly.

    Now realistically it will be difficult for you to adopt this sort of strategy without help -  it is a lot harder than it looks. I assist many clients in developing strategies like this and we work on the strategy and their FEELINGS. We analyse recent situations, identify their thoughts and feelings, explore strong primary feelings and tweak the strategy accordingly so they can respond to most situations from a position of strength and clarity. It usually changes their relationships, their view on life and gives them  greater hope for their future. It also make them more successful in their work or business. I'm not sure you can get all that from a book so I'd suggest you see a counsellor who has an Emotional (feeling) focus rather than a Cognitive (thinking) focus and get the process moving.

    - if you have any questions just ask here or contact me directly. Good luck

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  • Anonymous

    Hi.  I think you could do with a ‘thicker skin’. 
    Ask these questions?

    1. Am I highly sensitive? - do I take things too personally? - is my radar over-active?  Perhaps I need to reinforce to myself that it isn't always about ME and I should let more things ‘go through to the keeper’.  Are people really abusing me - do they really mean to?  Or is it my perception that they are because of my sensitivity?
    (By the way being sensitive is not a bad thing, but it can lead to over-empathizing.  Others pick up on this - they do - and they will either tell you ALL their problems or use you as a punch-bag because ‘they can’).
    Elements in getting a thicker skin:
    Get training in self-confidence - acting/drama class is really good (acting ‘as if’ actually works).
    Learn good communication skills like assertiveness. Apply this even to text messages.  Talk to a professional like me.

    2.  How is my body language?  Am I coming across as a passive pushover?
    Answer:  Open out - stand tall - ‘chest out, shoulders back, chin up’ (old army thing).  Submissive body language not only comes across to others - it makes you believe you are vulnerable hence taking away self confidence and self esteem.  When you notice yourself shrinking - take a big breath and ‘open out’.

    3.  How is my  communication with myself - more with myself than with others?  What messages am I giving myself - are they negative ‘survival’ message like ‘they don’t like me' ‘I’am no good' and so on.  Am I catastrophizing, generalizing (they are always horrible to me).
    Answer:  Never, ever put yourself down to yourself or anyone else, listen to your self talk and reinforce positive message about yourself - e.g. ‘My sensitivity is an asset but I protect myself from people who might want to hurt or exploit me by being self-aware and confident’ (or words to that effect). 
    There's lots more of course, but I hope this has helped.  Take care. 

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  • Muriel Cooper

    Psychologist

    I specialise in stress, anxiety and depression as well as general psychology. I have been a counsellor and psychologist for nearly 20 years and firmly … View Profile

    Re ‘Thicker Skin’  -  By the way I didn't mean to be anonymous.  Feel free to contact me if you like.

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  • 1

    Thanks

    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    You have an interesting dilemma. You want to “hide” your emotion and repressing emotion is a sure way to make you unhappy. So, you need to learn how to process, understand and contain your emotion and how to use it in a healthy way in your life. You sound like it is a very vulnerable place to be, as if you feel very exposed. It will take some time to learn how to “protect yourself” and a strategy you might try is mindfulness training; learning to notice what you are feeling, label it and then choose how you wish to proceed moment by moment. Counselling will most likely help also in this dilemma of how to protect yourself in a healthy way. Good luck.

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