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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    At what point do I leave a loveless marriage?

    Related Topics
    Depression Mental Health Postnatal Depression
    After the birth of my son 10 years ago my wife suffered from post natal depression, this was bad enough that she was admitted to a psych ward, after treatment things got better but not for long, during this time we had another baby and almost straight away the psychosis returned and we separated, after 2 years she had numerous admissions and things gradually got better to a point that we reunited. It's been 4 years now and I have no feelings for her at all, the only reason I stay is so I know my kids are safe as I am always weary of this illness retuning and the thought of not being around my kids is too much to bear. I am finding myself becoming irritable and angry at her. This also transfers to my kids as I have less patience with them. I know that now I have no feelings of joy or happiness I dread coming home and if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't. The only feelings I have for the wife is hatred and anger towards her. So now I don't no what to do…
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    Grant Dempsey

    Counsellor

    With a passion to see people move forward and break free from the barriers holding them back, Grant is a highly experienced counsellor with over … View Profile

    Wow, it sounds like it has been a difficult time for you all, including your kids. I admire your commitment to your family, staying to ensure your kids are secure. You probably realise that leaving is not the simple ‘fix-all’ to your problems so I'd suggest a couple of things;

    - carrying around increasing levels of hatred and anger is not good for your mental or physical health, is not good for your wife and is not good for your kids so you need to get someone to talk to so you can process your emotions. See a good counsellor so you can deal with those strong feelings, unwind and re-focus more clearly on the issues at hand - look after yourself and get the anger/hatred sorted before you do or say something you will regret for a long time. 

    - is you wife getting help between ‘episodes’? Sometimes people only get help once the problem has built up to crisis, then it gets sorted and they ignore it again until the next crisis. Your wife also needs to see someone, even if she is not feeling depressed at the moment. 

    - your relationship definitely needs some help to get you both on the same page and working together raising your children as a team so you need some guidance there too.

    I'd suggest you take the initiative and arrange some counselling. Talk to your wife but you make the calls. When you ring around looking for a counsellor find one who has experience in depression as well as couples and both you and your wife go along together. When I see couples I may end up having some individual sessions with them or I refer them onto a counsellor with more expertise in an area but I still see them as a couple. You can definitely beat the depression and get your relationship sorted but it will require a commitment and time. It will also cost money but it will be a lot cheaper than your legal fees if you go for a divorce - many times cheaper. Give me a call if you have any questions,  I wish you all the best.

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    I agree with Grant - your commitment to your children is admirable, I wonder, though, if your feelings of anger have more to do with trying to protect youself against further hurt (it sounds like you are very way of your wife becoming unwell again, and don't know how to deal with this).

    Mental illness can be very traumatic, both for the person experiencing it, and for those close to them. Recovering from this can be difficult, and may require help from a counsellor who as Grant suggests, understands not only about mental illness, but its effects on relationships. Recovery will involve expressing how you have been affected, and ensuring you both have strategies in place to ensure that if your wife does become unwell again, help is available not just for her, but for you and the children as well.

    Having said that, if you feel things have got past the point where you can imagine your relationship being where it was before your wife became ill, it will be important that you get the support you need to move on - obviously it's important that if you leave, this is done in a way that is mindful of the children's emotional, developmental as well as physical/financial needs.


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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    I agree with the above suggestions, counselling can really assist you to process so many strong feelings and to help you and your wife work together for whatever result. Ultimately if you decide to stay or to go, it is better for the children whom you want to support, that you and your wife can work harmoniously together. So getting some good couples counselling is the first step to really assist you to work out what you want and to understand each others' hurt feelings so that you can work together for the benefit of the children. Regardless of whether you leave the marriage, you will always be parents together of these children so the best way is to find a way forward that helps you develop the skills to negotiate and communicate well with your wife and to manage the feelings you have which, as you say, are currently affecting you and your family. Please call me if you want further assistance. I am a Relationship Counsellor and also work with a team of professionals as a Collaborative famly lawyer so that when a relationship has broken down the people involved can get the best support possible to make the difficult transition from one family to two. This involves a team approach including financial, legal and mental health support.

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    Dr Anthony Nicholas

    Clinical Psychologist, Forensic Psychologist, Psychologist

    Dr Anthony (Tony) Nicholas is a practising Clinical & Forensic Psychologist since 1982. I am experienced in helping with reactions to trauma and grief from … View Profile

    • I support the suggestions made by Grant, Vivienne and Margie. The fact that your feelings are becoming more and more aversive suggests that in the very least you should seek support for yourself.
    • Additionally the relationship being a shared entity between you and your wife should receive attention from a relationship therapist. I am assuming that your wife is receiving professional support as well.
    • These three therapy strategies are the more proactive way to seek a resolution or in the very least determine what's negotiable. What can be changed? How? What can't be changed? Why?
    • What defines each of you and what defines your marriage?
    • If  sadly, resolution cannot be found, it is important that any resultant separation is achieved with as little animosity and blaming as possible.
    • Even in a separation there should be a middle ground where each of you can communicate with each other especially given the needs and welfare of  yourchildren.

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