My husband had an affair while I was pregnant, how do I get over it?

He has certainly put you in a difficult position and it will be difficult for you to trust him again, it will take time. I'd suggest a couple of things,

- there have been many books on recovering from an affair, find one or two and read them, take what is relevant to you and leave what isn't. Your library is bound to have some.

- see an experienced couples counsellor, go togehter and also have a few individual sessions if required. I encourage my clients to be really honest, to express their core feelings to one another so often things get said in the session that don't get said at home - it can be loud, passionate, sometimes a bit ugly and risky but done in a safe controlled environment (the counselling room) it clears the air and provides a better platorm from which to move forward. 

- be encouraged, I've had a number of couples who have moved forward after an affair and given your husband has broken things off quickly there is a good chance you can move forward to, if you address the issues - time alone won't heal the hurt of his betrayal.  

Give me a call if you have any questions, all the the best, Grant. 

This must be a very difficult time for you. Having whatever information you feel you need regarding the affair, it could be a good thing. Although sometimes it gives you more information than you may really benefit from. I am speculating that it was only a short time ago that you were informed of the affair as you wrote that you in the latter stages of your pregnancy and now you have a newborn. It does take time for the brain to process all the details and then for your feelings become real to you.

Your initial reaction and perhaps it was shock and disbelief was in the moment. You need to give yourself time to develop thoughts and feelings that go beyond the initial reaction. Having recently given birth you may be experiencing many changes within yourself and therefore complicating your thought processes. To be making any life changing decisions at this time may not be in your best interests nor that of your children's for the future, so give yourself some time at this stage.

Regaining the trust you once had with your husband is something you may feel he has to earn. Have you thought about marriage counselling? Experienced and caring counsellors may be able to assist you and your husband to reconnect. I read that you've asked him why he had the affair and his reply has been, he doesn't know.

Hypnotherapy may be a helpful technique in discovering the answer as sometimes people do not consciously know why they have behaved in a particular manner and yet find the answers utilising the subconscious. If this concept feels appropriate for you see if there is a therapist who practices both counselling and hypnotherapy in your area, if they could blend the two techniques. Good luck for the future.

The last line in your question, about moving forward, is the key issue. Its difficult to focus on the future if there is uncertainty in the present. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, when you are pregnant there is an added vulnerability that makes it even more challenging.

For some women deciding what they can live with while debating whats in the best interest of their children is the juggling act. Seeking out a counsellor that makes you feel safe and supported (regardless of what your decision might be) can help you navigate the journey ahead for you and your kids. Keep asking these questions - its all part of the process of you working through what has happened

Take care of yourself and your babies,

Sarah Wayland

It sounds like what has been traumatic for you is not only that your husband had an affair, but that he lied to you continually when you suspected something wasn't right. Certainly it will be important for you to get the support you need to decide whether you are able to move forward in the marriage. But you and your husband have some very particular work to do together, to repair your relationship so you can move forward. 

Couples counselling may help you to work together in mending what sounds like a serious breach of trust, to have the necessary conversations that will help you to feel that you can be emotionally safe again in the relationship, and to re-negotiate the contract you have together about what is and isn't OK. Part of this process may involve looking at what was going on for your husband in the relationship, that meant he was vulnerable to an affair (of course, this needs to be done in a way that does not imply that it was OK for him to do it, but it may help you both moving forward to understand what stresses can put your relationship on shaky ground, so that you can develop shared agreements about other ways to pre-empt and manage these better).

This link is a useful resource that may give you and your partner a starting point to start thinking about how to rebuild your relationship. http://www.shirleyglass.com/afterword.htm

Good luck, Vivienne Colegrove

Many good things have already been said. I'd just like to add that there's always something in every situation for us to learn. I would ask you to be patient and kind with yourself. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do about the actions of others, husbands notwithstanding. However, there is plenty that you can do for yourself.

It's important that you get clarity around this situation. A wonderful tool for this is to put your thoughts on paper.  It clears your head and helps you to see what's really going on. Before you begin you might like to send a little intention out to the universe asking that you can do it with honesty rather than from a place of fault finding and blame. Yours or his. It's crucial that you're as honest as you can be with yourself about what you're thinking. 

Then there's the "if only's…. if only I'd done this, that or the other. But the reality is we can't do anything about the past, nothing. It's behind us. It's about where to from here.

Couples counselling yes, if he's up for it. If he's not then I suggest you seek counselling support yourself. It's always a good idea to share what's happening with someone outside your circle of family and friends as their personal viewpoints may not be what you need right now.

Speaking with someone who can act as a sounding board for you, who won't judge or criticise either of you, but provides a private, safe, objective space so that you can hear yourself and express your thoughts and feelings without fear or favour, would be very beneficial for you.

I sincerely wish you all the very best,  Deborah

I have written exrensively about recovery from affairs. You may like to visit my website www.margieulbrickcounselling.com and I also write regularly on the subject on the Relationship Cafe Advice website in the US.

Relationship counselling in my opinion is essential here. You need to work out what it will take for you to trust him again and he needs to come on board to demonstrate his commitment to working things through. It will be the beginning of a new relationship for you both and possibly an important learning process, albeit a very painful one.

People do recover from affairs but not unless it is dealt with properly. I would be happy to work with you to see what you need in order to move forward and to know what you want. All the best.