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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    Is it normal to feel depressed over violence against children stories?

    Related Topics
    Anxiety Depression Mental Health
    I'm so sorry. I don't know if this is the right place to ask but I have been feeling like hell lately. Since I have become a mom, whenever I read news or stories about child abuse or any violence against children, I cry. It's not just a temporary sadness but I have become depressed to the point where I look at my son and I feel guilty. I blame myself for being so powerless and unable to do anything. It has been like this until my husband had to take away everything i could use to access internet hoping for me to get better and stop crying every night. I did get better and enjoy my life but it's impossible to isolate oneself from medias… I was wondering if there are people who are like me or am i just not normal? I know it's not one of those postnatal depression because it's been a long time since I had the baby (my son is 16 months old). I have regularly asked my husband if i should seek help but he's always said i am just too nice and i shouldn't be worried about it. Should i?
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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    i'm so glad you have reached out and asked this question. It would be very useful for you to seek some assistance about this. Blaming yourself and feeling guilty are things that you would benefit from talking to a Counsellor about. I'm sure you do not want to be crying every night and although you say you did get better and start enjoying life I'm sure you would feel a whole lot better by talking to a professional. There are many people who are very sensitive like you and who find it difficult to cope with some of the harsh realities of our world. So, rest assured that there are people just like you. But, that said, getting some help to manage your emotions and feelings will be a liberating thing to do and you will be a whole lot better for doing it. Take heart and take courage. All the best. Margie

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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you are really distressed by your reactions, and the fact you've reached out and asked the question would suggest that you're aware that you could benefit from some help. If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression (and some of the things you are describing indicate that this may be a possibility), you may wish to talk this through with your GP. It also sounds like it may be important for you to develop more of an understanding about what is is triggering such an intense reaction. I completely agree with Maggie, that it may well be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor, who can help you explore in more depth what is going on for you, as well as equipping you with strategies and skills to cope with your emotions.

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    Julian McNally

    Counselling Psychologist, Psychologist

    Julian McNally has practised counselling psychology since 1995. He trained in client-centered and solution-oriented approaches before discovering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 2003. The mindfulness … View Profile

    I'm sorry to hear that you are having these distressing experiences - new parenthood is hard enough already!

    I've heard these kinds of reactions before. They often coincide with or follow life-changing events like pregnancy and childbirth. Bill O'Hanlon, a well-known therapy author, told a story of experiencing violent fantasies - uncharacteristic for a gentle man like him - soon after the birth of his son. Eventually he realised he was getting in touch with the ‘fierce’ side of being a loving father - somebody who would harm anyone who tried to hurt his child.

    I suspect you may be experiencing something similar - a dread or sense of helplessness in the face of the apparent randomness and frequency of violence towards children. This is actually connected to your love of your son. Part of the cost of being a parent is that you face this awesome responsibility. And it's only human to sometimes feel you are not up to it.

    In my practice I sometimes work with adult adoptees. Many of them have come to me because life has been going along just fine, then they get pregnant or have a child and suddenly feel overwhelmed by emotions they have not encountered before.

    Of course, I'm just speculating here. There may be something entirely different happening. Either way it's sound advice to discuss this with a psychologist or counsellor experienced in areas like depression, attachment, family formation and parenting.

    And one last point I'd like to make. Do you know how you subjectively feel safer as a passenger in a car than as a passenger in a plane? Well, that's an illusion, just like the illusion that the sun is “going down” - it looks like that even though we know it isnt. Likewise you actually are safer on a plane than in a car. The violence that you are hearing about is relatively rare - and has been becoming more rare for decades. Just the frequency of reporting and our access to media reports has increased so we hear more about it.

    Aside from seeking counselling, the other thing I recommend you do is shift your awareness from the dangers and horrors that thankfully aren't happening to you, and shift your attention to all the positive and loving things you are doing and can do for your child and your self.

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    Darren Stops

    Counsellor, Educational and Developmental Psychologist, Psychologist, Psychotherapist

    For assistance with issues including: anxiety & depression, stress, coping & adjustment, personality & relationships sleep & health issues, separation, loss and trauma, post traumatic … View Profile

    In response to your questions, I think that a large part of what you're feeling is very normal for many parents.  The need to nurture, the understanding of the value of a child and their innocence, and their need for protection ? Absolutely normal.  Becoming distressed when you hear, see, or read stories about children being harmed or abused? Absolutely normal.  Feeling guilt or concern about your child and the state of the world they are growing up in?  Of course -- the media feeds these concerns very well, but often doesn't match reality in terms of the real statistics about safety and care.

    What is concerning, as you have rightly identified - is the depth and extent of your reaction, and the difficulty in extracting yourself out of those feelings at times.  It does sound like there are symptoms of depression present, and I would urge you to talk to your doctor about a referral to a psychologist for a thorough evaluation and to get some strategies to help you deal with these issues.  Some people seem to have a very high level of empathy and caring for others, which is a huge asset, but can lead to them being highly affected by the problems of others.

    Don't keep struggling with these issues by yourself, trust your intuition, and ask your doctor for advice.

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    Renee Mill

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Empowering people is my passion and life work. I have been working as a Clinical Psychologist in private practice for over thirty years. I have … View Profile

    It is not unusual for people to feel distress when hearing about violence against children.

    Research on violence has mainly focused on the victims of the violence and it is understood that vicitms will suffer from depression and PTSD. 

    What is less commonly known is that the professionals who treat the victim will suffer from secondary trauma and PTSD and may need treatment themselves. We also now know that people, like you, who hear about violence can suffer from tertiary trauma, depression and PTSD.

    Therefore, it may not be PND that you are suffering from but tertiary depression or PTSD. Your ealy childhood experiences may be contributing to the intensity of your reaction.

    Therefore, it is my strong recommendation that you receive psychological treatment so you are better able to cope moving forward. 

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