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Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners
How do I cope with a marriage breakdown due to depression?
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My marriage has broken down due to my depression. I couldnt make my husband happy so i decided at the time to make him happy by buying him whatever he wanted. In doing this i got us into debt. I used up our savings of thirty thousand and also maxed out our credit cards. All this to make him happy… needless to say although it worked at the time, when the time came and i told him he called our marriage off. Which I totally understand but he thinks I did this on purpose to piss him off and that is not the reason. Its because i love him and wanted to make him happy. -
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Marian Spencer
Counsellor
Marian Spencer Counselling is a private practice located in Cornubia, South East QLD, and offers services Specifically for Women. I am a graduate member of … View Profile
I would advise you both engage in counselling. Find someone you will be comfortable with in sharing your concerns and discussing the situation you both now find yourselves in.
Rather than debating who is at fault you both need to consider the following during your counselling sessions:- Seek professional help to discuss changed behaviours during this time.
- You both have engaged in irrational behaviours. This is due to the depression your husband has been suffering (a diagnosis of depression type needs to be determined and treated).
- Living with a partner who suffers depression is not easy and help is needed for you to understand and deal with irrational behaviours - seek counselling for yourself.
- Both of you understand spending the money was wrong and was a short term fix. Your husband would know (but did not rationalize due to his condition) that you were spending more than you would normally. You acted in the best way you knew at the time to try and cheer him up – this needs bringing out into the open and discussed.
- Is husband getting help for his depression? Why is he suffering depression? What type of depression is he suffering?
- Is wife getting help? Is she becoming depressed? Why?
- Seek the help of a debt advisory service to help with consolidation and payment plan.
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- Seek professional help to discuss changed behaviours during this time.
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Colleen Morris
Psychologist
Colleen Morris is a Clinical Family Therapist and Counsellor in Geelong, Victoria. Colleen works with individuals, couples and families, to promote growth, wellness and potential. … View Profile
There are probably two issues here for me. One is that you are experiencing depression, and you need to pay attention to that so that you don’t become seriously ill and the other is how you deal with the marriage breakup and how you process what happened. The next question I’ll ask you is what feeling did you get from buying him things and making him happy. How do you get those same feelings in yourself instead of looking to someone else to give them to you? A good starting place is to reflect upon the things that you can do that will soothe and calm you and that can actually help your depression as well. Think about what you like to do that will make you feel good on the inside and pursue that. You may discover that you don’t like yourself very much and if that’s the case, make sure that you go and talk to a counsellor about it, so you can explore more about who you are and discover what’s good about you. I hope that at the time you will find happiness within yourself.
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Margie Ulbrick
Counsellor
I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile
Your situation is complex and I suggest you get some support from a Counsellor to help you cope. Financial worries, depression and the ending of a marriage are all big issues. If you see an experienced couples counsellor he/she will help you both to air your feelings and you will be able to explore your motives and the underlying issues around the over-spending so that your ex-husband gets to understand you more. It sounds like this is your highest priority right now, getting your ex-husband to understand your behaviour. It will help you also to understand and clarify for yourself your own behaviour so that you can begin to rebuild your life. You need help for your depression. It is a common thing to think that we can make others happy but your husband's happiness is his responsibilty. It sounds like it is time for you to focus on making yourself happy. To do this you need to get to know yourself from the inside which can be scary. It seems easier to focus on making others happy than doing the work on ourselves. Good Luck.
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