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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I forgive someone who committed suicide?

    Related Topics
    Bereavement Mental Health
    I felt so unloved, betrayed, angry, hurt and helpless when my mother committed suicide two months ago. It’s all so recent. The feelings come and go. I know she suffered from depression but I can’t fathom how she left without saying goodbye. Did she know how it would affect her children? Her husband? I just want to know she loved me like we all loved her
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    Dr Clive Jones

    Counselling Psychologist, Counsellor, Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Sport Psychologist

    Dr Clive Jones is a registered psychologist specialising in the assessment and treatment of mental health issues and disorders and High Performance Sport psychology. He … View Profile

    Forgiveness is a process and it's something that evolves over time rather than something that changes overnight. It is about coming to terms with the loss and also coming to terms with the way that the loss occurred. Loss through suicide is something that is quite devastating. With suicide comes a lot of questions as to why. Unfortunately the clarity of the reasons leave with the person who dies so there's always that question mark that remains. So it’s about you becoming comfortable with the ambiguity of that question not ever clearly being answered. Once you feel more comfortable with that, it’s possibly one of the first steps in moving a little bit closer to forgiving.

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    Matthew Bishop

    Counsellor

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    As a counsellor I have worked with hundreds of people who have been at risk of suicide (including some who have completed suicide).  I have also worked with hundreds of people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  So I have heard both sides of the experience, as it were.   

    For the bereaved person so much is often thrown into question, including their lost one’s love for them.  This is a normal part of the grief process.  Because anger is a normal part of grief, it is also a natural question to ask: if they loved me how could they do this to me?  Clive’s words above are very wise and I recommend reflecting on them.   

    For the person who attempts and completes suicide their thinking is often quite distorted.  For example, many people come to the point of thinking that it is an act of kindness to their family to end their own life, as though they are hurting their family by remaining alive.  You may never know what your mother thought, but the context to put this act into is her broader life and relationship with you. 

    I would suggest talking through your feelings with a counsellor, as they can help you sort through these questions.  Suicide Call Back Service runs a national 24/7 helpline staffed by professional counsellors, which serves bereaved callers among others.  The number is 1300 659 467.

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    Robyn Rowe

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Robyn is a clinical psychologist with a particular interest in mood disorders – depression, bipolar & schizoaffective disorders, ante & post natal depression – and … View Profile

    Losing your mother is a very difficult thing and will probably take you some time to get over. No one can tell you how long that will be as grief is different for everybody. However we do know that time is a great healer.

    The thing to realise is that when a person with depression commits suicide they are truly at the end of their tether, they just want the pain to end and they see ending their life as achieving that. At this stage thinking is distorted. The pain is so overwhelming that the individual may no longer think about the effect suicide will have on others. In fact people often think that it will be better for everybody if they were not there.
    I hope that you are seeing a competent clinician to support and help you through this difficult process.

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    Dr Simon Easterbrook-Smith

    Health Professional

    My research interests include immunology and the mechanisms of amyloid formation. The latter has implications for people who are dealing with Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease … View Profile

    I think that grieving follows its own path and takes its own time.

    Whatever feels right for you in grieving for your mother is all that matters.

    With care.

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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    Wow - the pain you are feeling about your mother's suicide is still so raw and intense. You'e not only feeling that pain for your own loss, but on behalf of your Dad and siblings. It must be so hard to be left questioning whether your mother loved you and your family, to be thinking "If she loved us, how could she do such a thing? How could she leave us like that?" 

    Others have given some excellent ideas about what may have been going on for your Mum,  and also about how important it may be to get some support for yourself. I hope you are also able to work through some of your difficult feelings as a family. Because often each person in a family may grieve somewhat differently, it may be hard to understand and still feel connected to each other (for example, one person may deal with their pain by needing to talk about it, and fnd it hard when another family member chooses to deal with their loss by keeping busy and not wanting to talk about how they're feeling). Family counselling may be one of the supports that help you work through your complex range of feelings together, and be able to draw on the strengths and resources you have as a family group. All the best.

     

     

     

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