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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How true is the saying 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    My boyfriend and I have only been together for about two months but we've spent a lot of time together and things have moved quickly. Needless to say it's been a great start! However he will be away for work for half a year. It seems like an extremely long time and I am worried that the ‘passion’ we have now will fade over time. People say ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder’ so I'm hoping this will only make him miss me more but I don't know. He'll be overseas so we can probably plan 1-2 trips to visit but nothing more than that.
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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    You and your boyfriend are faced with quite a challenge at this early stage of your relationship! It's a fine line - on the one hand, it's sensible to anticipate that a separation may be difficult, and to take steps to make sure you are still connecting regularly (modern technology makes this much easier than it used to be!). On the other hand, it will be important to enjoy your lives separately, and trust that if your bond is strong, it will survive a period of being apart,

    You are quite right in saying that you don't have any way of knowing if distance will make your boyfriend miss you more. You have no control over this, and it will be important that you are using strategies to manage your own anxiety about what that may mean. Keeping yourself busy, spending time with other friends and making sure you are enjoying life would be a good start.

    If you and your boyfriend manage this time well, it may even strengthen your relationship - helping you to develop and exercise skills in managing to be happy and fulfilled separately, while also thinking creatively about ways you can still nurture your intimate bond together.

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  • Wyley Hargraves

    Counsellor

    I'm passionate about helping families, couples and individuals with the pressure of life, no matter where the difficulties originate. In therapy we find the source … View Profile

    Every relationship is so unique and so special. The thing about a relationship is it takes two individuals to form the relationship, so the relationship takes on its own identity. Now the identity of every relationship is based on several things. That's only something I would be able to discuss in detail as I find out more about the relationship. The saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder, if there's a real, genuine love for each other, that is true, you will crave that companionship that you get from the relationship. But if it's a co-dependent relationship or a relationship based on false expectations, or some irrational basis of which the relationship was started on, then it may not be a good thing to be apart until these things are negotiated and worked through. But ultimately, every relationship is different. It can grow very strong by being apart, or it can deteriorate from being apart; depending on the integrity of the relationship.

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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    Hello, I would say that it's great that you have had these lovely few months and it sounds like there is nothing you can do about the upcoming separation. As mentioned above Skype, email,facebook etc make it very easy to stay connected and to continue buiding your strong bond. That said, there will no doubt be challenges that come due to the distance but all relationships have challenges and it is normal to expect these. The honey-moon period never does last forever! i wouldn't worry about whether it will make your bond stronger or less, whether or not he will miss you or not. Focus on the positives and enjoy what you have. Be realistic about what you need to do to continue to build your own life and that way you will stay engaged in your own life. Expect that it may be hard, but that you just have to see how it goes. There's no way of knowing these things in advance. Good Luck!

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  • Lauren Terry

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    Lauren is a Melbourne based therapist who specialises in relationship counselling for couples, individuals, and in workplace relations. Lauren also provides Person-centred Counselling, including Dream … View Profile

    I am interested in your sense of how each of you will manage the time up to, and at the point of separation. This is a sensitive time, just before a longish separation after having been together only a few months. How well you separate will have some effects on how the relationship goes throughout the separation.

    You recognise that what you have is ‘passion’ - a wonderful thing but not yet the same as a long-term and tested love. If your passion is likely to move into love, a sixth month separation (with visits) is not likely to disrupt that … 'absence will make the heart grow fonder.

    '    I see some uncertainty in your words:

    • It seems like an extremely long time … 
    • I am worried that the ‘passion’ we have now will fade over time …
    • People say ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder’ … but I don't know
    Is it yourself you are asking these questions of, or him? And can the answers be known after just two months together? A talk about hopes and expectations over the period you are apart would be helpful.

    If you don't feel ready for that, think through some open-ended questions for yourself: 
    • If he was not going away, what would the relationship be, and what would it mean now to you, and to him?
    • Are you tempted, as people sometimes are, to offer bonds and claims on him that you would not make just yet, if he was not going away?
    • Is he now tempted to offer bonds and claims on you that he would not make just yet, if he was not going away?
    • Is a fresh approach to fit the new circumstances needed now?
    Can you just let the relationship take it's course, treat each other well, communicate - SKYPE is excellent, be there for each other and the relationship, and aim to be how you would be in the relationship if you were not separated?

    Best wishes

    Lauren
    The Holding Place

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