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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    How do I overcome obsession during/after a relationship?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
    I am usually a very laid-back and care free, happy person. This holds true at the beginning of my relationships as well which is why they usually begin with a great start. However the longer I stay in them I begin to obsess over every little thing. I become jealous, I worry, etc. Then if a relationship ends I continue to obsess about their whereabouts and quite frankly I feel psycho! This is has lead to a lot of impulsive behaviour which I regret immediately after. Why can't I feel and act normal/sane?
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    Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    It sounds like you become very anxious about how secure you are in relationships, and it's likely this is an issue that may have developed for you earlier in life, perhaps even as a child, when someone who was taking care of you may have been emotionally or physically unavailable, or not able to keep you and your needs in mind. Upsetting memories that have not yet been adequately processed manifest themselves in the ‘here-and-now’ in the form of intense emotions and body sensations in response to a trigger, such as a partner behaving in a way that feels like when we were let down or hurt in the past. In order to make sense of how we are feeling, we tend to create a story about our present situation to make meaning of things. Often that story will include negative ideas about ourselves or others, which can create high levels of anxiety. Howver, that story will on some level feel inadequate, because in fact we are having a sensory and body memory of an earlier experience.

    You may need to seek out counselling to help you sort out what is being activated for you in relationships. Counselling/psychotherapy can help you to process unresolved issues from the past that are affecting your ability to have the quality of life and relationships you wish to have in the present, to get rid of the ‘ghosts from the past’ that are intruding on your life now.

    It would also be important to work on strategies to manage your insecurity about the relationship. Counselling can also equip you with skills to calm yourself and challenge the thoughts and beliefs that intensify your feelings about what is happening. Strategies may include:-

    • taking slow, deep breaths
    • distracting yourself from thoughts that cause you distress
    • doing things that soothe your body and emotions - e.g. having a bath, buring essential oils, playing music, going for a walk in nature.
    • developing ‘self-talk’ that is calming and soothing, for example “It's OK, my partner does care about me”. This technique works best when you've identified what the negative self-talk is (ideally with the help of a counsellor) so that you can create different responses that counter these.

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  • Rob Montgomery

    Counsellor, Psychotherapist

    I am a Psychotherapist & Counsellor. I believe we are continually involved in the process of Growth and Change which challenges our assumptions of who … View Profile

    Without knowing any more than what is spelt out above, my first instinct is around the trust issues you seem to have after a certain period of time in a relationship. Obsessing over details, jealousy and worry seems to infer ‘I don’t trust you’. My therapeutic approach may be to lean towards an Adlerian approach to investigate at what stage of life these emotions started to kick in.
    What is also apparent is there is a good level of self-awareness going on here. So a reflective therapy rather than a solution-focused approach may be the starting point to identify the triggers and traits that cause the changes in behaviour. Certainly it is possible that CBT (maybe aversion therapy) could be utilised but I would more than likely be tapping into the self-awareness strengths to employ a narrative approach for the follow through therapy.

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  • Maria Nguyen

    HealthShare Member

    It seems to me like you need couseling. Extreme jealousy and obsession is not safe for you or your future relationship. This issue probably comes from your childhood. I hope a psychologist will be able to help you to overcome this problem.

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  • Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    You are not alone with this dilemma. Many people become anxious after a period of time in an intimate relationship. Intimacy brings up alot of subconscious issues. However, this is a really seriously debilitating pattern you are experiencing and it is important to pay it due attention and get some good professional help. Psychotherapy or counselling will help you understand yourself more so that you can begin to feel normal and safe in relationships. Your situation is complex and there is no quick fix but learning new ways of being in relationship and also when a relationship ends will be crucial for your future health and well-being. All the best!

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