How can I stop being a jealous partner?

A little jealous twinge every now and then is normal, but when those twinges become destructive, then it is time for a little soul searching. In this instance, you need to work out where the jealousy is coming from as it could well be from unresolved issues in your own life. Perhaps you have been badly hurt and fear that happening again, so you try to protect yourself. Perhaps you have low self-esteem and doubt your ability to hold on to the relationship. It  might be useful is to try to figure out where this jealousy stems from and go from there, to move to a point where you feel confident in your ability to attract someone to keep them, rather than clinging to keep them. It might also be helpful to perhaps sit down with your partner and simply negotiate some parameters in the relationship, he may be able to help you cope with situations where you feel threatened and/or uncomfortable.

You are lucky in-so-far as I believe it is normal to feel somewhat possessive of a person when a relationship becomes stronger. We don't want to lose the relationship. However, something that I have realized is that if I become too possessive, I am likely to ruin the relationship anyhow. There was once a movie that came out, called something like, “A Woman in a Cage”. It was the story of a guy who thought that he could not risk losing his partner, so he put her in a cage, and she had no freedom not to be with him. As you can imagine that was disastrous for the relationship. We can't force a relationship. Ultimately, we both need to be able to choose each other with some kind of freedom. If the jealously is very strong it could be good to see if there is anything in your own story that needs some attention. It may not be not be a bad thing to have a chat or two with a counselor just to see if there is something particular that's happening in your own lifestyle that is getting in the way.

Often when we react strongly to something, like you've described, we're being triggered in some way. Or put another way, ‘our buttons are being pressed.’ The trigger has usually been established over a number of different situations and life experiences. For example, being in a relationship triggers something in you, which could be about trust or it could be about a past situation in which you were worried about someone's commitment, maybe to you or the relationship.

It can be difficult to see such parts of ourselves, because they feel so foreign to the rest of who we are. So, I think it's great that you recognise this has occurred before and want to do something about it now. It can help to consider other situations when you feel or have felt this sense of jealousy or protectiveness. In other words, where else does the trigger show up in your life. Recognising this can be an important first step to understanding the response and eventually not reacting the same way.

Allow yourself to notice what is happening in your body and in your mind when the feelings come up. Tuning in to what sensations and thoughts are there and then gently beginning to explore these. We have a tendency to repeat a specific behaviour because it has served a purpose in the past, whcih strengthens the trigger over time. So, recognising how it feels and even where it comes from starts to allow you to exercise choice in deciding if this is something that is helpful or not in your present.

You clearly lack confidence in your ability to attract and maintain an ongoing relationship. You suffer low self-esteem and don’t feel worthy of a secure relationship developing. This kind of behaviour doesn’t just happen. Take a look at past events in your life. How many times have you been let down by a prospective partner or another significant person in your life? How many times were you treated badly or ignored and therefore didn’t feel worthy? Do you have older siblings that received more attention than you? Your behaviour indicates reactions to events just mentioned or similar.

Take the time to see a counsellor who will be able to guide you through these issues and help find the answers from unfinished business you are clearly hoarding.  The jealousy stems from not wanting your boyfriend to give any attention to another woman and rousing that feeling of having to compete for attention and not feeling special. 

At any time in a relationship the green-eyed monster can rear its ugly head and as you say you become a person you never intended to be. However, make note that it does not have to be like this. First thing to do is to understand where the jealousy comes from. Is it from a past relationship where trust was broken for example? Is there anything rational and valid about the way you are feeling? Is your current partner showing any signs of cheating or going behind your back? If not then it is best to let go of the negative jealous feelings, as this will harm your current relationship than save it. Check in with yourself, what is your self-esteem like? Are you a confident person? How much of a role does your jealousy take on in your relationship? Speak to your partner about how you are feeling. Building up your self-esteem is also another way to overcome feelings of jealousy. You can do this by thinking more positively about yourself. If you need help with this there are psychologists or counsellor you can gain access to. One place you can find a psychologist is through the Australian Psychological Society website www.psychology.org.au and clicking on the Find a Psychologist link.

: It sounds like you’ve possibly experienced a lot of anxiety in the past in relationships and I wonder if I asked you what you fear will happen if you let your partner out of sight or mix with people who you don’t know or be jealous of? I wonder what would happen. Are you fearful that your partner will discover that someone else is more attractive than you? Are you fearful that your partner will abandon you? Whatever it is that you feel, I expect that you feel quite insecure about yourself really and you may not feel very attractive or good enough for your partner. Usually, I find those sort of feelings come from our childhood experience. Somewhere in your childhood you might have felt abandoned or left behind or told that you weren’t attractive. Did you ever feel not good enough? Think about those things and I would encourage you to journal about them. If you feel like you would like to pursue this conversation, go and talk to a counsellor about it

Good on you for reaching out and asking for help.

You say that you become a person who you never wanted to be when you are in a serious relationship. It's a painful and difficult place to be. Excessive jealousy is very upsetting for both parties.

I recommend that you consider having a session with a therapist in Radical Exposure Tapping which is remarkably helpful in healing past memories and changing old beliefs. This could well give you the freedom to choose to be the person you actually do want to be when in a serious relationship. I am happy to speak to you further about this, either by email or phone.

All the best.