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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    What is considered 'normal' level/frequency of fighting in a relationship?

    Related Topic
    Relationships
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    Mary Jane Beach

    Counsellor

    Family Therapy is my passion, I worked at Redbank House for 10 years, working intensely with families, primarily with children with behaviour difficulties. Then and … View Profile

    There is no normal!
    I see some clients that fight quite often and it is fine,  I saw one gentleman that grew up in a family with both parents  psychologists and never fought in front of the children, until I met this man it is what I would have recommended, however, the legacy for him was that he had no idea how to have a argument.  So there is something to be learnt by experiencing ones parents arguing, particularly if they do it well. 

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    Grant Dempsey

    Counsellor

    With a passion to see people move forward and break free from the barriers holding them back, Grant is a highly experienced counsellor with over … View Profile

    Hi, I think it depends on if the ‘fighting’ is productive or damaging. If you can have a heated arguement but both of you feel safe and respected then that's great. Having said that if there are lots of disagreements about petty little things then there are probably some underlying issues that need addressing.

    If one or both of you are feeling threatened, squashed or fearful then the fighting is damaging the relationship and you need to seek help. 

    I suspect that given you are asking the question indicates you are getting tired of the fighting so I'd suggest you raise it with your partner, so long as you feel safe to do that, and seek help if you don't make any progress. It may be something simple that can be resolved fairly quickly and make a huge improvement in how you and your partner relate. All the best, Grant


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  • Vivienne Colegrove

    Counsellor

    I have been working in Eltham, Melbourne as a relationship and family counsellor for over twelve years. I draw on current theory and research about … View Profile

    I agree with both responses above. Conflict can actually be healthy in a relationship, as long as the issues are worked through in a way that is respectful and non-blaming. The opposite is also true - the absence of fighting is not necessarily an indication that a relationship is in good shape. It may mean that important issues are not being addressed. 
    A good indication of what's a ‘normal’ level of fighting in your relationship is how you both feel about it. If either of you feel it's not OK - then this needs to be thought about and worked through together.

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    Conflict is part of life. The only way it could not be would be if we were all the same and how boring that would be! Leaning how to fight fair is the subject of an article I wrote for a magazine a few months ago. I will post a summary of it on my website so stay tuned. In a nutshell, developing rules around how to manage conflict can help you use the conflict to your advantage. We are rarely fighting about the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat, our conflict represents deeper feelings and issues. Developing insight about what the fight represents to each person is very helpful in creating understanding and consquently change. All the best.

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