What are some early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?

  In general relationship can be challenging, but in the early stages this is difficult to comprehend.  When we are madly in love it is hard to realise that this will every change.  We will defy the odds. Research has shown however that there are four indicators that can show if the relationship is at risk of ending. Gottman the American Guru speaks talks about four patterns of behaviour which augur trouble for the future. 

Gottman states that it is not conflict which causes problems in relationships but how we handle conflict.  Therefore if conflict resolution problems occur early int he relationship any issues they couple have will escalate with time and it becomes a slippery slope.

If we can communicate effectively and solve problems it is possible to overcome problems on an everyday basis.  The first problem occurs when a partner withdraws and avoids problems.  Important discussions are avoided by one or other partner walking out or ‘'turning off’'.  After this the subject is avoided and on the surface things return to normal but a poisenous pattern is being set up. 
the next problem is “invalidation” a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the other partner.  It takes a lot of forms eg one partner indicates that the feelings of sadness and frustration are inappropriate.  This hurts the partner and they withraw as it is unsafe to really express their feelings. Invalidation can also occur when one partner rolls their eyes or sneers at their partner.       When one partner believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. The actions of one partner are interpreted negatively and unfairly. When this occurs occurs the suspicious partner looks for evidence which confirms their views. Most things the partner does are looked at suspiciously and this of course alienates the accused partner. 
When this occurs the other partner responds negatively and the pattern is set up and gets worse and worse.  Partners tend to say things and make threats which are very destructive. Partners hurt each other either verbally or sometimes physically. We have intimate knowledge of our partners and this puts us in a powerful situation.  When such information is used against us we tend to shut down as we do not wish to risk being attacked again.   These patterns are establised early in the relationship and and worsen with time such relationships are doomed if they do not seek intervention such as counselling.    What the above demonstrates that we should learn early to solve conflict in a mutually satisfactory way.       

I assume by unhealthy relationship we are talking about a relationship that is in trouble, and generally your warning sign is when you feel the emotional bond between the two of you weakening.  Emotional intimacy is the glue that keeps most couples together and things might be slipping if:

1.You stop communicating. For example, you start sharing things with people other than your spouse.

2. You find your conflicts escalating or you are increasingly irritated by each other.

3. You find you have stopped touching each other. Not just sex, but general affection as well, if that starts to diminish then sometimes that's also an indication that the emotional bond between you has weakened as well.

As well as what Raynor and Carryn have discussed, ‘unhealthy relationships’ can happen in the context of either one partner using aggressive or violent behaviour to control or intimidate the other, or in some cases where both partners use aggression or violence to respond to conflict.

Violence in relationships is any behaviour that makes someone feel scared, controlled or intimidated.
If you are experiencing any of these things in your relationship, then it is definitely unhealthy, and you need to get help.

It's never right for someone to:-

• hurt you physically — or even threaten to 
  
• scare, frighten or intimidate you 
  
• call you names 
  
• shame or humiliate you 
  
• damage your property or things that you care about 
  
• try to control how you look, where you go, who you see, or what you do 
  
• keep you under any kind of surveillance 
  
• make you take part in sexual acts when you don't want to 
  
• take control of finances or incur debts in your name without your permission 
  
• do anything else that makes you feel unsafe, violated or unable to live freely.
  

If your partner is treating you like this, you don't deserve it. If you treat your partner this way, help is available for you too. A good place to start may be to ring 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) - the National Sexual Assault, Family and Domestic Violence Support Service, who can link you to the right supports.

There are a few behaviors that you can be aware of.

-Controlling behaviour. In other words, your partner seems to be very jealous all the time or quite possessive of your time

-Your partner wants you to conform all the time to what they are saying and belittles you, or if he’s making you feel bad about yourself, that’s an indication that something’s not quite right.

-Sometimes a partner can actually try and isolate you. For example, they don’t want you seeing your friends and your family and you feel like they are controlling and managing your life.

-Unpredictable behavior can also an issue. It might indicate that there are some mental health issues or an addiction there. We might say unpredictable, moody or unreliable. That sort of behavior is to be aware of.

-Watch out if they lack commitment and don’t follow through on things. They never achieve the things they say they are going to achieve and perhaps, as you get to know them, they’ve never followed through on a job. Or, they’ve never followed through on a relationship.

-Take notice if they also seem to contradict themselves- what they say is not what they do. That’s not a good sign

-Maybe they’re very selfish. We all could be selfish, but when that person is totally self centered, it’s all about me, it’s all about my ego and they won’t listen to you. They’ll battle, they’ll cut you off. That’s sort of very selfish behavior to be aware of.

-There is also abuse. If they are not respectful of you and if you’ve observed that they’re not respectful of other people too, be aware of that. It can be emotional or physical or mental.

-They could be irresponsible. They won’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s always your fault or someone else’s fault. That’s a warning sign.

-They are aggressive. They tend to really scare you and you really feel unsafe. That’s not something you have to live with. Get out of there if you actually feel unsafe.

-They’re manipulative, they force you to do things you really don’t want to do and you get the feeling that if you don’t do it, you risk getting hurt.

Above all, listen to your gut. What is your gut saying? Be aware of that and trust your intuition. That’s the really important thing to do.

I believe that relationships become unhealthy when there are more negative than positive interactions.  

These interactions can be tiny eg whether your partner takes up a conversation you intiate (positive) or lets it drop (negative) or bigger issues like whether your partner is open with you when you ask about something (positive) or dishonest (negative).

These interactions over time will influence how safe, accepted and close you feel in your relationship.

If you start to notice yourselves in frustrating cycles of conflict where you stay stuck in the same positions and neither person gets their needs met, it is probably a good plan to seek some assistance.

I recommend Sue Johnson's book “Hold Me TIght”as an excellent self help resource.

I would look for signs of suspicions. For example, if he/ she asks, where are you going? What time are you going to come back? Also pay attention to abuse such as name calling. Those are the initial signs to look for.  Sometimes, one of the partners can also try to physically harm his/ her partner, and then say “I love you. I can't live without you, etc.” That's something really  not normal. It can be very, very dangerous to continue to live with this sort of a person without seeking help. Sometimes, even help also does not change them, depending upon how welcoming or ready they are to seek that help. Asking dominant questions or being insecure are important signs to also watch out for.

Early signs of an unhealthy relationship might include an unwillingness to listen to each other or to take each others' concerns seriously. Feeling threatened verbally, emotionally or physically or feeling like your partner is trying to keep you away from family and friends are other unhealthy signs. When a person is secretive about serious matters such as money or other relationships this can also be a warning sign that all is not well. When one partner dominates or bullys another consistently this is also unhealthy. Constant criticism or stone-walling: refusing to discuss matters or always becoming defensive are other signs that things are not going so well. Abuse of drugs or alcohol are other worrying signs for a relationship. If I had to put it into a nutshell I would say ask yourself can you work with your partner to resolve issues? Is there a willingness to face whatever is going on between you? Most things can be worked with if both parties are willing to do so! Good luck!