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  • Q&A with Australian Health Practitioners

    What are general parenting tips for teenagers?

    Related Topics
    Parenting Parenting Teenagers (13-18)
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    Leanne Hall

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Integrative Psychologist, Health Coach & Personal Trainer in private practice. I have expertise in assessing and treating a range of disorders and conditions; depression, anxiety, … View Profile

    I totally agree with Nadine's tips, however in addition - it's important to remember 2 things:
    1) The teenage brain is still developing. This means that they have extreme difficulty when it comes to reasoning and abstract thinking. As such, adapt your expectations accordingly. It is unfair to expect a teenager to be able to make well informed and educated decisions….to expect this will only set them up to fail. Guide them, and let them make mistakes - this is how they learn!
    2) No parenting strategy will work if you don't take the time to get to know your teen. Make the time to understand what they are interested in, even if you're not! If you think they are spending too much time on facebook….set up your own profile! Your teenager is much more likely to respect your parenting if you show them that you respect them too.

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    Damien Haines

    Clinical Psychologist, Psychologist

    Damien Haines is a registered Clinical Psychologist who brings a warm and empathetic approach to therapy. He emphasises engagement in the world and encourages clients … View Profile

    I would also add thinking about your attributions to your teenagers behaviours. If you see them as a lazy so and so, that is all you will see. I've found one of the most effective initial strategies is for parents to alter their attributions for their children. For example spend a few days trying to catch out your teenager doing things right or at least OK and telling them about it. ie “Thanks for putting those clothes away” “Good job doing your homework straight away today”. Parents often get into the trap of looking out for problem behaviours which then becomes the source of emotional discussion. It all becomes about their bad points and they can feel victimised, perpetually punished, not understood etc.  While some behaviours perhaps cannot be ignored balancing that with their good/desired behaviours will achieve a closer relationship where they feel less nagged/harassed by mum/dad.

    Good Luck!

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  • Dr Natalie Parletta

    Dietitian

    I am a dietitian/nutritionist with extensive research experience into diet/nutrition and children’s behaviour; Mediterranean-style whole food diet; and parental influences on young children’s diets. In … View Profile

    The excellent advice given here is elaborated in the very helpful book ‘Parenting for Teens’ from the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) series by Dinkmeyer that provides examples and weekly exercises. Good luck :)

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  • Grant Dempsey

    Counsellor

    With a passion to see people move forward and break free from the barriers holding them back, Grant is a highly experienced counsellor with over … View Profile

    Wow, a lot of responses here and some terrific suggestions. Parenting is such an interesting topic. Both my wife and I were involved with working with families when we were straight out of uni. We were trotting out the theories and were generally supportive and helpful. However, once we had kids we looked back and cringed at some of the things we said. So, my suggestion today is purely anecdotal not professional. It comes from two couples who are further down the parenting path than me and also had teenage sons.  I have tremendos respect for them as people and as parents. Their advice re teenage boys is - “Maintain the rage”

    What do they mean? In some ways you could call it ‘broken record theory’. Some teenage boys can be incredibly lazy, they avoid doing what they should (tidy room, clean up mess in kitchen, pick up shoes. …)  and repeatedly do what they shouldn't (hassle sister, use inappropriate language, not get off Playstation . . .)  and it can often feel easier to let them away with it rather than keep being on their case - it annoys them and annoys you, but if you let them off the hook it creates more severe long term outcomes for you (give them an inch and they'll take a mile) which increases your frustration which may lead to an unhelpful explosion. So, stay on top of them in the small and basic things, in a polite and respectful manner of course, but maintain the rage, don't let them off the hook. This may also work for girls, I haven't tested it yet and my friends had boys so ????

    A great book re boys is He'll Be OK - Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men by Celia Lashlie. Lashlie was the Governor of a male prison in NZ and has done a lot of research on boys so she has ‘hands on’ and theoretical experience. You can get it at the ABC shop here

    The other piece of sage advice we were given was - it will pass. You need to know the teenage years WILL pass otherwise you may lose hope - look at the adult kids of people you know and take heart, they've probably turned out ok and their parents seem alright now.

    Good luck . . .  and don't forget to breathe.

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    Margie Ulbrick

    Counsellor

    I am a Melbourne Relationship Counsellor and Family Lawyer who is skilful in helping people get out of the pain of relationship distress and create … View Profile

    Again, some great advice is already given above. I have 4 kids of my own and am a Relationship Counsellor and therapist. At one point I had 4 teens! My approach has been to focus on building relationship and on respecting their capacity and inclination towards independence and growth. I think it's fantastic if you can do your own “growth work” for so many of our own issues are projected onto our kids. In fact, as a couples therapist I often see that when the couples work on their own relationship the kids seem to “magically” stop presenting with so many problems. For me it's all about respect, respect, respect! I respected them as little kids and have tried to do the same as adolescents. I value them highly and regularly (every day) tell them how much I appreciate the little things like cleaning up, bringing washing in or the way I notice they care for each other or appraoch their studies or whatever. What you notice persists. So pay attention to the good. Another thing that can help is to parent them as if they were your next door neighbours kids. By this I mean you would never yell or scream or lose your temper with them if they were not your own kids. This idea allows you to separate yourself out from any issues and stay calm, objective and logical. Good luck, it's a great ride and I hope you find some joy in it all.

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  • Adrian Harris

    Social Worker

    Clinical Social Worker and Couple / Family TherapistFounder of Harris CounsellingAs a counsellor and social worker, Adrian has devoted the past decade to building and … View Profile

    Relationship is essential before behaviour, not the other way around. 

    Try this watching this video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVDMATVzhTk

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