Is parenting for a toddler more difficult/time consuming than parenting for a newborn?

Hi,

I'm not an expert in child development but having had a number of kids of my own what I'd say is that every stage is a challenge, especially the first time around. Parents can't wait for their babies to crawl and walk and this opens up a whole host of new challenges. As they become more independant they certainly need much more supervision and attention. Likewise, there are new challenges when they go off to school, enter their teenage years and young adulthood. I know parents who have their adult (25 yrs +) children return home due to financial, relationship or other problems so every stage has its' parenting challenges.

Unfortunately I've met many parents who feel like failures because they don't think they are doing a good job. Make no mistake about it - parenting is a tough job but people tend to think that ‘great parenting’ comes naturally when in reality it takes a lot of hard work and education. In previous generations parents had their family around to support and guide them whereas today this is generally not the case so parents oftend find themselves on their own, exhausted and questioning their abilities. I think their is also a greater reluctance for new parents to seek out advice than in previous generations.

They say it takes a village/community to raise a child and I know my wife and I have certainly benefited from having people around us who have taken our kids so we could have a weekend off or just for a few hours so my wife had a break. Not living near our parents this was very helpful. We had an older lady we met who frequently babysat for us - she enjoyed it and she was a God-send to us.  We also had friends further down the path who we freauently sought out for advice. There are lots of resources for parents to help them out and you are crazy (not the technical term but you get the point) not to utilise them. For babies there are places like Tresillian and Nursing Mothers Association who are great for learning settling and feeding techniques. I had a friend who says she owes her sanity to Tresillian. For Toddlers and older there are courses such as Tuning Into Kids where you can get great tips and advice and meet other parents. Many church and community groups also run courses and activities where you can connect with other parents.

Of course there are many books as well - I used Nigel Latter's "Read this before your kid's drive you crazy" when my kids were younger - one of my son's has a firm dislike for his principles (The Ladder of Certain Doom) but it made our parenting better and our son will be a better man for it. Others don't like it.  I think the key to all the books and advice is pick a model (technique) and stick with it, follow it through. Don't chop and change - be consistant. We swaddled our babies and it worked very well for us, others don't and it works well for them. Pick a technique that suits your thinking and stick at it. I see many parents who are at breaking point and often they have tried 'everything' but often haven't followed through thoroughly on any one thing.

Bottom line, pick a model of parenting (may change as your child develops) stick with it and get help when things are getting tough - before you are totally drained, that way parenting will be more enjoyable for you and your child. There are Family Relationships Centres all around Australia and these are a great good resource to help you be the sort of parent you always thought you would be.

I agree with this statement. However, it might depend on a child. My son ( he turned 2 just 3 months ago) is a very active and stubborn child. It is hard to take care of him and requires my constant attention. He is doing better now and learns not to touch things that can hurt him, like stove, for instance. But I agree that every stage of parenting has its challenges or ups and downs. 

Toddlerhood is when the child is learning to “individuate” and to realize they are separate from their parents. This means asserting their independence - often by exercising their power to say “no”! They also like to control the things in their life that they can control, such as going to the toilet (or not) and eating (or not). It can certainly be a challenging time, particularly if the parent tries to control or micro-manage the child and each day becomes a series of power struggles.

Toddlers need to express their individuality, so one way to allow this is to give them choices (just two, not too many options). So letting them choose the colour of their cup or plate, which clothes to wear, whether to brush teeth first or hair first, etc, gives them some control over their own lives. Letting them help and valuing their contribution also engages their cooperation, which is the key to avoiding power struggles. 

My personal rule is never to engage in a power struggle you cannot win. Do not try to force them to eat, to sleep or to use the toilet, because they can defy you endlessly on these grounds. Offer food, but do not let it become a battle. You can ask them to rest or to lie in bed, but not to sleep. And never, never, never let weeing on the floor become a victory for them! 

Engage their cooperation, engage their interest or curiosity and always try to be on their “side” against the problem. Try expressions such as:
- I wonder what this tastes like?
- Oh dear! Shoes make the couch dirty, how can we avoid that?
- Do you know which piece of clothing goes on next?
- Do you want to brush teeth first or put shoes on first?
- Where can we put these pencils so that we can find them again tomorrow?

Parenting toddlers can be challending because the ground is always changing under your feet - but it is also exciting seeing your little personality unfolding. As they become more verbal they can tell you what they are thinking, and seeing the world through a toddler's eyes is an experience of wonder and delight.

Book recommendation: The Emotional Life of the Toddler, by A. Lieberman

As a mother of a young baby and preschooler, may I offer my two cents worth.

It seems like every parent is told the next stage is harder! Parents with toddlers will hear, oh wait til they get to school, life is so busy then, and then wait til they're teenagers!

I would say each stage has its own delights and its own unique challenges. These are also unique to your baby, and your temperament and your partner's too. Also, Grant has written a beautiful post on the importance of help for you, and for regular time out for you and your partner, both individually and together.

As for why you are being told it is more tiring caring for a toddler, it is due to a few new things. Toddlers don't nap several times a day - they are down to one sleep a day, in the most part, if you are lucky! (My daughter stopped napping at around 18 months). They have boundless energy, are very mobile, and are on the move constantly, so you have to be vigilant for every moment they are awake. They are asserting their independence, and your sweet baby will suddenly start having tantrums and being defiant at times (especially when tired or hungry). They seem to have violent mood swings, and often get frustrated at not being able to communicate their needs, or to achieve a new personal milestone.

However, toddlers are delightful creatures. They are affectionate, fun-loving, chirpy, bubbly, imaginative, and extremely cute with their chubby little tummies and new words. I personally thoroughly enjoyed my daughter as a toddler. Toddlers are really interesting little people.

Enjoy your baby now - enjoy the baby-ness, the sweetness, the smallness and the quietness of a baby. Then enjoy the enthusiasm of a toddler and the creativity of a preschooler and the growing intellgence of a school-aged child etc etc. Enjoy each and every stage and don't listen to the harbingers of doom who tell you the next stage is worse. Parenting a newborn is exhausting, one of the most difficult feats in life. It's rather insensitive of people to suggest that it isn't. The sleep deprivation, constant feeding, lack of routine, constant nappy changing, vomiting, and also the lack of communication at the early stages (the lack of smiling) can test the most patient of parents.

Good luck and enjoy your baby. Before too long they'll be that cheeky toddler :)