How can I stop blaming people when I am angry?

There is one simple rule that is a great help here!


Rule: “One is either responding from a space of love and peace or one is calling for help to get to that space.”


In the case of expressing anger, this call for help is now very loud, and is desperate to be answered. See frustration and anger as a call for help!


I find anger is a red flag, a sign that I am disconnecting from my peace. Anger is not an emotion; it is something I choose to do when the underlying emotion is not getting a voice or being responded to. When I get angry my affect becomes dis-regulated, and I might raise my voice, judge, blame, criticise, swear, jump up and down… there is a mighty list! This is what we do!

The key is to identify and respond to the emotion within you that is fuelling the anger.

• “When I feel hurt (emotion) I get angry (action)”
• “When I feel sad (emotion) I get angry (action)”

A more accurate statement is:

• “When I feel hurt, I choose anger.”

Is anger an appropriate response within myself when I am feeling hurt? What does my hurt feeling need? Who is responsible for my emotion? ME! I am responsible for how I feel!


It is good to see the red flag, and respond to what caused it, rather than to react to it, and it is a pointless waste of energy to keep waving the flag to no avail.


Anger is the symptom, the reaction, not the cause.


How is the choice of anger helping me? It is not! Choosing anger creates discomfort in me, distances people I care about, and gives rise to thoughts of blame, judgement, and later on, guilt and remorse. When I feel discomfort from the anger my mind plays tricks on me and begins to blame others for my choice in feelings, “He/she makes me feel mad!” This gives the power of self control away and hands that power to others.


This is not powerful, this is powerless!


Here is the key:

As I am not at peace, I must have decided against peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I will to decide otherwise because I want peace.
I do not feel guilty because the spirit of Love will undo all the consequences of my aversive decision if I will allow it.
I will to allow it, by allowing myself to decide for the spirit of Love within me.
What would Love do now… for me and for others?


Make this a mantra and repeat it regularly every day
until it is deeply memorised and starts to become automatic.


This key requires a process of emotional regulation skills:


AVOID THE BLAME GAME – “STOP, LOOK, LISTEN”

Step 1 – Notice that my emotions are becoming uncomfortable. (Red flag - Remember the mantra above)

Step 2 – Stop, take an imagined step back, and take some slow deep breaths. (the sooner you catch the reaction the easier it is to retake control)

Step 3 – Look within, and ask inspiration to guide from a space of love and support. (Ask, “What would be helpful here?)

Step 4 – Respond rather than react, from this calm and supportive space.

Step 5 – Enjoy having more peace, love, and harmonic solutions in your life.


When you become skilled at recognising the emotion under your frustration and anger within yourself, you will become skilled at recognising the emotions that may be fuelling your partner’s frustration and anger. Then you will be able to teach them how to take control of their choices and moderate their emotions by modelling these five steps.


Ron Cruickshank iRelationship Transformation Centre is what you need to bring LASTING CHANGE to your relationships. You will receive personal confidential one-to-one consultation, online seminars to reinforce your new skills, and lasting support. Contact Us Ph. 0400 606 321.

http://www.counsellinghobart.com 

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© Ronald Cruickshank 2012

Anger is a normal instinctive human survival emotion that can vary in intensity from being mildly irritated to a really intense feeling of rage, vehemence and temper. Anger usually rises when there is a feeling of being deliberately wronged, provoked or unfairly treated; basically your expectations have not been met. Sometimes thinking can become single minded and one can focus negatively on the provocateur, often the negative feelings and thoughts are exaggerated.

Some strategies to manage anger could include:
It's good to take the time to stop and perhaps remove yourself from the situation until  calm . 
Take time to relax reducing anxious feelings
Try to understand the other person's point of view
Express anger positively
Be clear of your needs, expectations and how they can be met without causing harm to others
Be confident, self-assured and respectful
Be fair, non-critical and non-judgemental
   

Managing anger can take time and practice, when controlled, anger can be very helpful in inspiring and motivating us to make positive change.

Best of luck!
 

What a great question!
Anger can become a major focus when we feel we are out of control, or others are telling us we need to do something about our anger.
Like others, I find that anger is often fuelled by other emotions.  Emotions we often don’t want to either acknowledge or deal with.  Anger is a great way to take the focus away from how we really feel and draw in others to be the focus.
 
I tend to use the metaphor of a volcano.  The eruption at the top is anger, it spews out onto whoever is in the pathway.  However for a volcano to erupt there needs to be movement further down.  Sometimes right down underneath the crust.  This is where old hurts or pain from earlier relationships may lie, unattended.  Then a present moment demand or a combination of stressors builds on top of that pain and an eruption seems the only avenue to take.
 
Working with anger can mean we need to be able to identify our stressors.  What causes us to worry? What is happening in our life that we are unhappy with?  What do I feel helpless to change?  Then look at the emotions that are ignited.  It may be isolation, embarrassment, guilt, shame, betrayal, abandonment etc.
 Instead of ignoring these emotions, name them.  Once named you can focus on addressing the real issue, the underlying emotion, not the anger.   Once identified and named it is good to observe what happens when you feel that emotion.
 
Noticing and observing our own reactions takes practice.  We need to be able to sit with that emotion rather than let the emotion become the driver of our own behaviour.  I use meditation with clients and they learn to observe their thoughts and emotions without giving into them.  They learn they can actually have a thought or a feeling and not get hooked by that thought or feeling.  Not feel they have to act on every thought or emotion they have.  This is extremely empowering.
 
Then we gradually work on values.  What type of person do you want your life to represent?  Are you giving yourself the opportunity to display those values?  How do you interact with the different areas in your life –  family, friends, workplace, sport, community? 
 
Then there is the practice.  The practice of watching an emotion and the practice of listening to others so that you seek to understand another’s position not just your own.  Practice on being forgiving to the hurts of the past so that you can be free to be yourself in the present and create the future you desire.  And importantly, the practice of forgiving, and being gentle on yourself so that change can happen.
Nothing is set in stone.  Everyone is capable of change.  Change comes if we are prepared to do the work.  It sounds like you are prepared, by taking the first step in asking “How do I stop blaming people when I am angry?”